I’m Dreaming, Right?

Let’s start this off by saying that my Uncle Ronny was one of my biggest supporters by far. He was at every dance recital, came to so many of my lacrosse games (even when I wasn’t playing), and was always there to make you laugh or smile, usually by farting and then blaming it on someone else. 

One of my fondest memories I have of him was when I would sleepover at my Aunt Niece and Uncle Ronny’s house, and he would chase my two cousins and I around playing “Monster”. We would scream and scream, but once he caught us, we would cry of laughter, and then usually beg him to go again. 

So, when he passed away during our family Christmas three years ago, I was hoping someone would pinch me so I could wake up from this nightmare. 

December 30^th, 2022. 

It was a great day; the whole family was together to celebrate Christmas at my cousin’s house. We opened gifts, ate tons of food, played games, and just enjoyed each other’s company. Everything was pretty much perfect until about 7 p.m. 

I had run upstairs to go to the bathroom, I was gone for about five minutes. Five minutes is all it takes for a family’s life to change drastically. Sparing the details, after about an hour of paramedics trying to save him, he didn’t make it. I vividly remember one of the paramedics walking into the living room to let my aunt, niece, my step-grandma, one of my cousins, and I know that he was no longer with us. 

After that, it was like time stopped and I couldn’t hear anything or think about anything. I sat on the couch sobbing while my step-grandma was holding me. We were all in denial and nothing felt real, it was one big nightmare that I wish I could’ve woken up from, but it was now our reality. 

I remember most of my family retreated to the garage while waiting for the coroner to come. We sat in a silent circle trying to process the traumatic event that had just taken place. The rest of the night was numb blur. 

The next day I had plans with my high school friend group to celebrate New Years Eve, and I decided that I was going to stick with my plans, so I had something to distract me. Following this, I’ve learned that putting on a façade that everything is okay after experiencing something traumatizing is 10 times harder than it seems. 

The next Friday was his funeral, and I was also flying down to Florida later that day with my friend and her parents. My façade was gone during the funeral, but I put it right back on when I showed up at the airport.

At this point in time, after three years of him being gone, I wish I would’ve gone to therapy to learn how to cope with his death, because I never truly coped with it. I fell back on trying to avoid the conversation and repressing all the emotions that came along with it. I never truly grieved and I now wish I had.  

One thing that has helped me, is sitting with my mom, dad, and aunts telling stories and looking through the pictures we have of him. Now I’ve found comfort in talking about my uncle and confiding in friends and family members when times get tough, especially around the holidays. 

I can say that I am blessed that I had 18 years to make memories with him that I can now look back on. 

• #Christmas
• #family
• mental health