Expectations

Have you ever looked forward to something so much that when it finally comes you feel let down after? For some reason, I thought my freshman year homecoming dance would be the time of my life. I spent hours at Macy’s trying on dresses with my mom and getting ready for what I thought was going to be a magical night. Spoiler alert, it wasn’t. I spent the whole night sitting by myself in the corner of my high school cafeteria, waiting for my mom to come pick me up. 

Freshman year of college came, and I was beyond excited for my first night out. I vividly remember spending thirty minutes just on my mascara that night and trying on at least ten going out tops. I knew that night was going to be amazing. I would meet so many people, make so many memories, and finally feel like I was a real adult. Don’t get me wrong, that night was memorable for many reasons, but it certainly didn’t live up to my expectations.  

Expectations: we all have them. As humans, we subconsciously set up expectations for ourselves daily. Unfortunately, sometimes they can cause you to become your own worst enemy. Expecting too much from yourself or others can be a dangerous game that if you don’t play right, you’ll end up losing.  

I always find myself looking forward to the future. Instead of focusing on what’s happening in the moment, I often find myself dreaming of a better future. In high school, I created this image in my mind of what college would be like. I pictured myself with a roommate who I spent all my time with. I dreamed about having a boyfriend who would give me all the attention I wanted. I thought that I would have a 4.0 GPA and make the dean’s list every semester. Spoiler alert, none of this fantasy even came close to happening. 

The thing is, I never saw this is a fantasy. Some people might think I was being totally delusional, but in my mind, I just expected this to all happen overnight. I saw other people having that experience, so I just kind of thought it was universal. Usually, I just look back to that thought and think that I was being ridiculous, but for some reason I can’t blame myself anymore.  

Now, I sit here in my single dorm, reflecting on my failed ‘situationships,’ struggling to find the motivation to do my English homework. Some might say that I failed myself, but I feel I don’t feel that way at all. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and I’ve enjoyed every minute spent getting here. I didn’t live up to any of the expectations I set for myself, but maybe it’s better that way.  

• college
• growth
• mental health