Music is one of the many loves of my life; from my obsession with Taylor Swift to the classic rock band responsible for my middle name. Recently, I was listening to a personalized Spotify mix when a song from Lorde’s 2017 album Melodrama came on. I’ll admit, I’m late to the Lorde party. My first year of college introduced me to a friend who loves her (despite my disagreement with her statement, “I might even love her more than Taylor”). So with the introduction of “Supercut” into my life, more and more of Melodrama has made its way onto my playlists, allowing me to hear the song “Liability” five years after its release, and it immediately became my favorite Lorde song.
With lyrics reminiscent of Taylor Swift’s “Anti-hero” and “Mirrorball,” “Liability” manages to perfectly encapsulate an aspect of my personality and relationships that I’ve never heard articulated in music before. Lorde sings about being “a toy that people enjoy until all the tricks don’t work anymore,” and how that she knows “it’s exciting, running through the night, but every perfect summer’s eating me alive until you’re gone.” The song is, essentially, about being a ball of burning light; originally people see you as a sunburst, but eventually they see you as a fire hazard—a liability.
“Liability” means more to me than I can describe. My entire life I’ve struggled with being “too much.” I am hopelessly loud. I’ve never quite managed to understand how to chill, and I’m passionate about absolutely everything in my life. I’m opinionated on matters I don’t need to be, and I have been told that my law career aspirations make sense because I don’t stop talking. And just like Lorde describes, she loves her “hard to please, forest fire” self. However, the same can’t always be said, and the lyrics that follow are some of the most poignant to me, personally:
“You’re a liability / You’re a little much for me / So they pull back, make other plans / I understand, I’m a liability / Get you wild, make you leave / I’m a little much for everyone”.
My personality has been perfect for times like prom, nights where I felt like I had a million friends because I must have danced with everyone. I could come off the high of a Friday night dance and come crashing down the next weekend when my phone doesn’t light up at all. Like Lorde describes, I’ve been too much for a consistent relationship with many people…they pull back, make other plans, and I truly do understand. When I find people pulling away, getting annoyed, I’ve wished I was different, quieter, lower-energy. I blame myself, and I spiral into self-judgment.
However, what “Liability” doesn’t describe is the beauty of being a forest fire. My mom once described my outlook on life as a kaleidoscope; I see these beautiful shapes and colors in anything. My passion for everything bleeds into day-to-day. Every single day of my life truly has the possibility to be an adventure. This includes my work, my hobbies, my relationships, my freaking morning routine. I also care about people incredibly deeply; while I feel things like sadness or anxiety intensely, that also translates to love, excitement, and happiness—it takes me about ten seconds to fall in love with a person, place, or idea. While not a huge crowd, the truest friends I’ve ever had have been people who love me as I am, without me having to “tone it down” or change in ways that hurt me.
“Liability” is one of the most on-the-nose songs on my playlist, and it’s helped me come to terms with this aspect of myself that is at the root of most of my insecurities, and reflecting on it has made me proud of myself. The closing lyrics of the song give me hope for myself still: “You’re all gonna watch me disappear into the Sun.”