Like any other high schooler, I daydreamed about my first apartment. I put together Pinterest boards of what aesthetic my kitchen would have. I daydreamed about movie nights at my place with no curfew to follow. I romanticized shopping sprees by myself and buying fruits to put in a cute bowl. I watched endless Tik-Toks on how to make pretty notes on an iPad I don’t even own. I watched shows like Gilmore Girls and movies like Legally Blonde to fuel this exciting fantasy of college life.
And then, move-in day came. Life was exciting for a while! I’d been doing “adult” things like grocery shopping by myself, living by to-do lists, and taking care of my cat. School hadn’t started, but I loved the idea of being a real “college student.”
That was until school started, and I was suddenly looking up “How do I study?” Soon enough, I was calling my mom every day. On top of that, I asked to call my best friends constantly. I even got a cat to keep me company and make me feel like I had “family” with me. My main-character-going-to-college fantasy slowly crumbled away. Instead, it was replaced with the feeling of being insignificant, the feeling of constantly checking my planner, the anxiety of “Am I wasting too much money?” or “Why don’t I know how to cook this?”
On top of my new “adult” problems, I began to face typical social struggles. Why is hookup culture such a big deal? Who is going to be your real friend and who is going to try to use you? I joined a study group for my class, but no one studies. How do people find time to party? Should I have rushed? How excited should I be for home football games? College doesn’t look anything like this on Instagram or YouTube.
Once this happened, I was no longer the main character. For the first time in a long time, I felt like a supporting character in my movie. I had no more control, no sense of self, and an army of intrusive thoughts to keep me company.
And that is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. You fall down this rabbit hole so effortlessly. Oh, how easy it is to wonder every day: How does everyone else seem like they found their home here already?
I began to miss high school. I found comfort in it. And then, I shame myself for missing high school at all. I’m supposed to be doing big things! I’m at the largest university in Texas, it can’t be lonely!
Admittedly, it was fun getting to play “adult” for a while, but now I’m over it. Except… there’s no tapping out of this new stage of life. I am clearly in need of some guidance and reassurance.
So, I called my mom. I also called each one of my best friends. I texted my new classmates. I even put a search into google. I meant to ask, “Is what I’m feeling normal?” Instead, the question I asked my mom, my friends, classmates, and Google was: “Should I go blonde?”
Every person said the same thing, “No, why would you do that?” Truthfully, I don’t have a good reason for it. It was only a subconscious cry for help.
I feel so out of control of my changing life, that I feel the need to be in control of something big. Going blonde will give me the main character moment I’m looking for! On the bad days, I walk through the cosmetic aisle in the store, and I almost do it. And every time, I say “No, not yet.”
Honestly, I still don’t know if I’m going to do it. I still stare at the mirror, wondering if I should be a warm honey blonde or a cool icy blonde. I’m not going to say I have things figured out— I don’t. I just know I’m struggling. I also know I am not the only one, and that there are people out there searching for someone to relate to.
Dear College Freshmen,
This confession of mine is for those of you who think you’re the only one.
You’re not the odd one out. You don’t have to live the way people portray themselves online. You don’t need to change who you are to be fulfilled. Yes, I go out with groups of friends (and I make sure to post it everytime), but I also stay home by myself scrolling through my Snapchat memories. Change is uncomfortable, and it will be an awfully lonely process, but it will always be temporary.
Congratulations on making it through the first month. Be forgiving of yourself and your feelings. Be patient.
Your classmate,
Ameenah