Ah, application season. The wonderful time of the year where one is full of high hopes and dreams of the Ivy-covered halls of the Super Prestigious Internship/Graduate Program you know you cannot afford, but feel confident in applying to anyway. After all, la última la paga el diablo, no? While you pour over your interviews, resume, portfolio, recommendation proposals, and all your other application materials, there is one terrifying element you are bound to leave for the last minute: your personal statement, the 500 to 1250-word essay that seals your fate and can be the difference between a fat envelope and a skinny one.
Here are the five stages of writing your personal statement:
1. Denial
Denial can manifest itself in two different ways: proximity and full-blown delusion. Denial of proximity is the easiest to diagnose: it’s when you see the deadline as further than it actually is. It’s the kind of denial that makes you think, “the due date is in five weeks, that’s plenty of time to write this! Kimberly wrote hers in two days and she was accepted and got ~aLL oF tHe scHoLarShiPs~! I’ll be fiiiine.” Of course, you will not be fine.
Denial of delusion, or hubris, is trickier to identify. It’s when you erroneously believe that applying to 8 or 10 different programs is reasonable, affordable or simply feasible. It’s only when you realize that each one of those applications will cost you anything between 50 to 150 dollars each (plus the costs of the GRE/TOEFL/LSAT/MCAT, etc) that you settle into the next stage.
2. Anger
This is when you realize Bernie was right. The cost of applying to and attending these schools is RIDICULOUS. And WHY are you buying into this elitist Ivy League and private college crap when you realize (weeks later) that a much more affordable public university’s program is even ranked higher. “THE SYSTEM IS RIGGED,” you scream at no one in particular. “HOW DOES ANYONE DO THIS,” you wonder.
3. Bargaining
This is when you begin to negotiate with yourself–“maybe I should just apply to these three schools.” The fact that they’re the first three deadlines, which means you’ll get over all this faster, is all just a crazy coincidence. While you’re at it, you’ll simply write the same personal statement for each school and just change a few details. “Pfsh,” you scoff. “It’s five days before the deadline. I got this. I won’t even need to go to the Writing Center.”
4. Depression
It is now the day before the deadline, and you’re waiting to be attended at a packed Writing Center full of sad sacks like you waiting to have their personal statement revised the day before it’s due. When the friendly tutor finally checks your personal statement, you are certain by the amount of notes the tutor gives you that it must be the absolute worst personal statement they’ve seen. (An interjection as an EWC tutor: it really isn’t–we check your essays thoroughly because we genuinely care about you getting into the program of your dreams!)
It’s 8PM and you arrive home to edit the mammoth personal statement due in four hours. “Are you there, God?” you ask. “Why am I like this?”
5. Acceptance
You realize that writing the same personal statement for every program you apply to is absurd. You rewrite the crap out of your first essay due, check it over one more time, and click submit. You promise yourself not to let this happen again–and spend the next several weeks frantically refreshing your application website and your inbox, awaiting the fateful confirmation of your future.
If you don’t want this to happen to you, follow these helpful tips.