It was less than a year ago that Tina Fey mentioned adapting Mean Girls into a musical. Some have given up, but the rest of us are still reeling about it as we ride the Forty Acres bus around campus. In honor of October 3rd (has it been named National Mean Girls Day yet?), we have chosen the top 15 moments of the movie that would make pretty grool musical numbers.
Introduction of the North Shore Lunch Table Cliques
In the style of: “Wilkommen” - Cabaret
Donning coattails and carrying canes, Damian and Janis would introduce Cady to the world of North Shore. Damian would clearly be the MC, thick accent and all, and probably most of his focus would be showing off his musical talents. Janis would get down to the nitty-gritty and actually make the introductions.
The Rules of the Plastics
In the style of: “Popular” - Wicked
What better way to learn about the ideals, values, and beliefs of the Plastics than through song and dance? Regina would take the lead as Gretchen and Karen act as back up singers. The hook may or may not be “I love her. She’s like a martian.”
“That’s So Fetch”
In the style of: “America” - West Side Story
Gretchen would talk about how much she loves the English slang word “fetch” and Regina would immediately shut it down.
Meeting Mrs. George
In the style of: “When You’re Good to Mama” - Chicago
Because Mrs. George is not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom, she needs a very special moment in the spotlight. And if you do your chores, she’ll give you snacks and condoms for your extra curricular activities.
The Burn Book
In the style of: “Hello” - Book of Mormon
This isn’t really fair because that girl on YouTube has already parodied this, but how can the lyrics “Hello, my name is _____, and I would like to share with you the most amazing book!” not lend itself to the burn book?
Ms. Norbury Working at PJ Calamity’s
In the style of: “Out Tonight” - RENT
The lady works three jobs, and you know when she leaves PJ Calamity’s that she must let loose. And we never find out what her third job is...just sayin’.
Three Way Calling Attack
In the style of: “Telephone Hour” - Bye Bye Birdie
Teenagers gossiping on the telephone. Timeless.
In the style of: “Little Girls” - Annie
Let’s not play games anymore, Principal Duval really isn’t cut out to be an administrator. He can’t deal with all of those lady problems and has carpel tunnel. We have a sneaking suspicion that it was several years ago that he started only showing up to school to see Ms. Norbury.
Recalling of Regina and Janis’ Friendship
In the style of: “Memory” - CATS
Although she cut off all of her hair, is totally weird, and now on crack, we can’t help but feel that Janis misses being friends with Regina George, even if just a little bit. I mean she was obsessed with her, and we can totally see her reminiscing about the good ol’ days before that dang Kyle showed up.
Cady/Regina/Aaron Love Triangle
In the style of: “On My Own” - Les Miserables
Every musical needs its “everything-has-gone-wrong-and-I-want-to-be-with-my-love-interest-but-he-likes-someone-else” power ballad. We think the love triangle between Cady, Regina, and Aaron would be the perfect thing to spark Cady running up and down the halls belting “Your hair looks sexy pushed back!”
Spring Fling Nominations
In the style of: “I Hope I Get It” - A Chorus Line
Four high school girls vying for the crown in a fierce competition. They would try to impress their fellow classmates/voters with some nifty pirouettes and kick-ball-changes.
In the style of: “Cell Block Tango” - Chicago
Okay, so they didn’t kill anyone, but they sure are sharing some dirty secrets, and there is no way to spin them in a innocent light. “...and then my friend got diarrhea at Barnes ‘n Noble, she got diarrhea at Barnes ‘n Noble ten times”? Nope.
Sucking Out The Poison
In the style of: “He Lives in You” - The Lion King
This movie is already full of inspirational traditional African music, so why wouldn’t there be a number like “He Lives in You”? We think that the perfect scene for this would be when Cady has realized her mistakes and tries to suck all the poison out of her life. Lady Smith Black Mambazo would be proud.
In the style of: “96,000” - In The Heights
We know they already have their talent show rap, but this would be a rap battle between both teams, AND they’ll really impress us if they can rap numbers as fast as Lin-Manuel Miranda can.
Spring Fling Dance/Epilogue
In the style of: “You Can’t Stop the Beat” - Hairspray and “We Go Together” - Grease
A fantastically cheesy and over-the-top happy finale is the only way to end a musical. We’d love to see the Spring Fling Dance/Epilogue as a mash-up of “You Can’t Stop The Beat” and “We Go Together”. They highlight the (literal) harmony that is found between groups of teenage friends when they all get along. Can’t get much better than that.