Recently I can tell that I have been changing in little ways. Obviously, after doing the whole college thing for a semester I was bound to, right? I’m pretty sure I’ve mostly been changing in good ways, but sometimes I’m not so sure. I talked about making mistakes in my article last week, and there are a few mistakes I have made recently that have lead me to write this for my own good. Everyone lets go of certain people in different ways, and that’s a good thing. We aren’t all the same and we deal with hard things differently, this is how I’m dealing with it.
You weren’t supposed to be with him forever. You knew that from the start. But I get why you were sad about it in the end. It was the first time you had ever experienced a human relationship of that kind. You opened up to him and shared a lot of your life with him, and for that I am proud, but it can’t be like that forever, you know that. All good things must come to an end as they say, and weirdly enough, when one door closes, another opens, even if the door leads you into a weird place. Sure you might have loved him and still wonder what could have been, but a 9-hour drive is a 9-hour drive no matter how you look at it. You thought it’d be easy to move on from him. Sure it’s easier when he’s gone, but your bottled up feelings will hit you like a ton of bricks when you hug him again. I know your stomach will tighten up when you play with his hair and listen to Bon Iver in your car in front of a stranger’s house after getting tea and exploring your favorite bookstore. You won’t be able to ignore it, and you’ll almost do something stupid, but he’ll be the smart one because he knows he’ll hurt a lot more than you if you fall back into old habits. You’ll feel like shit for a day or two but then decide it’s really time to move on and grow up. You can’t stay in that summer forever, even though you still want to.
He made you feel a certain way you still can’t explain, and you’ve been confused about it for a year now. You thought it would stop at some point and we’d all move on with our lives, but somehow we always ended up coming back to each other. It was the most toxic thing you had ever felt not being able to let go of him, him being your emotional kryptonite for what felt like forever. But then something finally made you break. It didn’t help that he had been using you for months and was going to be in another state soon. Letting him go was harder than you though, because you were willing to try again and again, but for what? It stopped becoming worth it and the bad finally outweighed the good. He was keeping you from being so much more, and you finally saw it.
You thought you had moved on from him after not talking to him for almost five months after something happened. You were finally alone and having a normal conversation about life when you decided to bring up the hurt you once felt. One thing led to another and you fell into an old habit. You weren’t prepared to have to let him go, but you know it’s not going to end well for you. The two of you may be fine, but you’ll feel all the hurt possible. Then you realized how easy it was to get back into the habit of having that kind of relationship with someone. You felt no control anymore and knew what had to be done. It was fun and all, but it’s time to grow up a little and stop with the self-sabotage. If you know it’s bad, why keep putting yourself in these situations when you know what’s going to happen?
With love,
The you that has finally learned from her mistakes
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