Most people, especially men, tend to associate women with sensitivity, sympathy, and kindness. Well let me tell you something: I am not any of those things. People tend to characterize me as sarcastic, insensitive, outspoken, and thick-skinned. If I see or hear something I do not like, I will call you out on it and I will mock you. I do not think my words or actions through like most people, so what I say may hurt those who are unable to handle my brutal honesty. However, I never thought much of my hardcore and intimidating personality until some of my friends said that I was mean and insensitive. One of my closest friends even told me about a dream where I insulted and made fun of her so much that it seemed real. When I heard that I immediately took a step back and reflected on how my personality emotionally affects those who are closest to me.
Many of my friends in college don’t know that I used to be painfully shy and sensitive. I was never one to voice my opinions or unleash my sass and savagery among my friends and family. Years went on and I entered a new ecosystem of people, personalities, and puberty: middle school. I moved to Seattle right before sixth grade, and I decided that now was the time to gain some confidence and show people my true colors. Little did I know that by eighth grade, my heart would turn into a cold, insensitive rock. Of course, I was happy and bubbly around my closest friends, but the only thing everyone else saw was my award-winning RBF and rebellious eyebrow raise. I soon gained a reputation of being that “intimidating, judgmental girl with only a few friends.” This didn’t bothered me until my junior year of high school when I learned that my best friend used to be scared of me when she first met me during sophomore year biology.
After realizing that many people considered me unapproachable, I thought I would have changed my ways as soon as I heard that. I believed that I would become a happier and kinder version of myself so people who were not as close to me could see my better side. Unfortunately, change does not occur overnight. I found myself struggling to always be happy around others. I was focused on finding colleges, ACTs, and my schoolwork, thus causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. However, rather than explaining my stress and anxiety to my parents and close friends, I let it consume me and that was one of the greatest mistakes I have ever made in terms of my personality.
There were days where I would be bubbly and content and then there were days where I would let my moody teenaged-self get the best of me. I was still unable to confront people about opinions I did not necessarily agree with, so if anyone said something I did not like, I would let the anger and irritation embrace my body, putting me in a negative state of mind for the rest for the day. By my senior year, I was more open and bubbly around people that I didn’t know. I attempted to make friends with people I didn’t really know through my classes. When the time came for applying to colleges, I decided that I wanted to go to an out-of-state school in order to have a fresh start with new people who did not automatically associate me as unapproachable and intimidating.
Before my parents sent me off to college, they gave me a huge lecture about how I needed to begin showing my emotions instead of shutting people out. I was always one to put up walls and only my closest friends could break them down. My parents made me realize that I came off as overbearing and standoff-ish. This was not how I wanted people to perceive me.
I entered rural-town Ohio with a smile on my face; I guess you could say that I was that eager freshman ready to embark on her life-changing journey otherwise known as college. From the moment I stepped on campus, I made a pact to myself that I would be pleasant and welcoming to everyone I meet. I was in no mood for people assuming I was intimidating or judgmental. With that in mind, I grew to meet many people and make a multitude of friends. I was soon “branded” as the nice, funny girl from Seattle. After I acquired some friends who I knew I’d be close with, I began to unleash my sass and sarcasm that so desperately wanted to come out. They didn’t seem to mind, in fact, they appreciated this “new” side of me. Soon after I began opening up and showing my true colors to my close-knit group of friends, the sassy and sarcastic me began showing off to almost everyone I knew. At the time, I thought it was a good idea showing off my dark humor (I was even called the “queen of sarcasm”). However, after first semester I felt the stress and anxiety from school beginning to consume me once again. I became very confrontational and insensitive towards people and their problems. It came to my attention that stress and anxiety greatly affect my mood, causing me to lash out and not care about my friends’ emotions. I tend to say things without thinking they would have a great effect. Turns out I was wrong. Despite myself being able to handle tough love and ruthless teasing, I had to remind myself that unlike myself, my friends are quite susceptible to their emotions.
People probably associate my handling of emotions with that of a big, tough football player. I cannot deny this because it’s true. I am not one to show my true emotions unless I can completely trust the person in front of me. I have a very thick skin so I always think that people will be able to handle my tough love and sarcasm because I know that I can. Sadly, this has made a majority of my friends feel like they cannot ask me for advice or help when dealing with a problem. My thick skin is both a blessing and a curse: on one hand, I am able to deal with tough love and teasing really well, but on the other, my friends are not able to rely on me for sympathy and coddling. I have grown to accept that I will always be sarcastic, insensitive, and sassy towards many people, however, I am constantly working to make myself seem nice and more approachable. Overall, I am really happy with the person I am today. While I do have an appetite for dark humor and insensitivity, I strive to maintain a happy and bubbly personality around everyone. My personality requires a balance of good and bad; one can simply not overpower the other, and if it does, then I truly and sincerely apologize for what is coming your way.
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