A while back, I walked out of Peirce, continuing a conversation with my friends in which I complained about (probably) everything. I turned to walk North to my dorm and sarcastically said, “Wow, it’s such a beautiful day!” It had been very dreary all week, and as a girl from Texas, I was getting cranky due to a lack of vitamin D.
What happened next surprised me. My friend Preston turned my head to the side, and just behind the science quad, there was an incredibly beautiful sunset. The air sort of escaped my lungs, and I had to laugh at how ridiculous I was being. I had spent so much time being angry that I almost missed something that really spoke to me and made me feel hopeful.
That was when I realized that I spend an appalling amount of time wallowing in self-pity and letting my negative feelings swallow me up. I am so happy that I get to attend Kenyon, that I am learning so much each day, and that I have made fantastic friends. I can’t believe that there is so much positivity in the world that I miss out on because I internalize so many of the bad things. I am not discrediting negativity. It would be hypocritical of me to announce that everyone should be positive all! the! time! As someone who suffers from anxiety and depression, I am not naïve enough to believe that positivity is always a matter of choice. I do not expect anyone to look into a mirror and smile and imagine that the world will send back all of the positivity that you put into it, because it won’t. I think there’s something awfully draining about being positive for positivity’s sake. I believe in the power of a strong, unforgiving sob. I believe in anger and the things it can push for and accomplish. I believe in people, but I also believe in a world that is largely random in its kindness and cruelty. However, I know that at times, there’s a certain power in looking for the good things around me. On the days when I really open myself up to the world, I am never short of things to appreciate: the dog that’s enjoying its morning walk, the peaceful walk along Ward Street as I bop along to my favorite songs, the way other people are going to class and getting through each day a little bit at a time, just like I am, etc.
When I see that my friends are down and I feel relatively okay, I do my best to be there for them, because I know that they will do their best to be there for me when it’s the other way around. I don’t think that any one human has to be the source of everyone’s happiness. I think that we go through cycles of happiness that we just have to share with our friends so that we can help each other as we go along.
And hey: if the positivity just isn’t manageable one day, that’s totally valid! Pick a movie that will make all of your friends happy and/or ugly-cry (however you choose to cope). Play board games until everyone laughs at least once. Keep each other company so that no one ends up too far into their negative feelings. Share with others the things that make you happy, and they will do the same. That sense of community will build positivity in itself.
Looking for positivity and sharing that positivity with others isn’t too much to ask for, I think, if it means that we’ll all get along just a bit easier than we did before.