A Letter to Kim Kardashian's Baby

Dear Baby K,

At least, I’m assuming that’s the letter your name will start with.  It seems your mom, as well as the other women in her family, only find one letter of the alphabet appropriate to begin names with.  Or, maybe that’s the only letter they know.  Possible names?  Kaleigh.  Klaudia.  Kamille.  Karoline.  Kristina. 

I’m also assuming you’re a girl.

For your own good, you should hope you’re a boy.  The chance of this genetic feat is next to impossible in the Kardashian family, but should you be a boy your name will be Kain and you will one day be very thankful for the lack of Kris Jenner-esque estrogen in your bloodstream.  Being a Kardashian female is roughly equivalent to possessing some weird genetic disorder that makes you constantly PMS, with the patience of a toddler and a filter as useful as a pair of tights with a huge hole in the crotch. 

I am writing this letter to you as a third party, objective observer.  Though I have watched almost every episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloé take Miami, Kourtney and Kim take New York, and Khloé and Lamar, I am not directly related to you or anyone in your family.  With this in mind, I feel I can objectively give you some advice to help you succeed in the Kardashian klan.  First and foremost, stay away from Kris Jenner.  This is the cardinal rule of survival for not only you, but every other human on the planet.  She will suck you into her plastic surgery induced stare and take whatever mediocre talent you have (aka puking and pooping) and turn it into a business that she will claim you are in charge of, but really have no control over.  To avoid death by Kris, try to stay away from any building in which there is a black and white interior motif, accented by krystals or oversized kandles, as these are the locations she generally lurks in.

So not natural.

Other points of advice I can offer you are as follows:  do not make a sex tape;  do not give Rob any form of responsibility;  do spend more time with Scott and Lamar than your blood related family members;  do not make fun of Bruce’s face (he’s sensitive);  do not watch your mother’s sex tape;  do have your own spinoff series so that America can see your first words, steps, etc.;  do get along with Mason and Penelope;  do try to make your marriage last longer than your gestation period.

You may not be the most important baby of 2013, although your father will surely protest that you are “the greatest baby of all time” during one of Taylor Swift’s upcoming award acceptance speeches.   But don’t take it too personally because nobody can out-do Kate Middleton and she’s British and far away, so you probably won’t have to deal with her too much.

I, along with the rest of America, admit that I am a wee bit jealous of the lifestyle you are going to be born into, even if it includes more leopard print than can be found within the entire state of New Jersey.  Props to you for your Hermès baby blanket and miniature Cartier love bracelet.  Hopefully you’ll remember me someday along the road and will invite me to come hang out with you and Blue Ivy.

Keep your head, heels, and booty high.


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Maddie is a senior at Boston College, where she spends her days fawning over literature and Art History textbooks. She was previously an editorial intern at Her Campus, and is now a HC contributing writer and blogger. Follow her on twitter @madschmitz for a collection of vaguely amusing tweets. 

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