This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Columbia Barnard chapter.
Every self-respecting college girl in this city can tell you about the hundreds of exercise facilities she frequents, each one intended to simulate the physical activity our ancient ancestors designed to escape from their predators. Except NOW, you get to pay $40 for forty-five minutes of having a vicious, toned homeboy named Patrick order you into sweaty submission. How to choose which routine to blow your money on? Should you ride a bike that goes nowhere? Row a boat sitting on the floor of a gym? Perhaps you’re partial to the more practical skill of trampolining to the beat of Beyonce’s latest album? Whatever your style, I’m here to help you find your place. Let’s see how they all compare:
Barry’s Bootcamp
Pros:
– When I went, there were four rounds each of cardio and strength training, so in those 30 seconds every 7 minutes, I got “rest” while I stumbled to the next round of torture.
– The girl next to me said “today’s especially hard” so maybe you usually don’t fly off of your treadmill into a waiting pile of yoga mats.
– Patrick, i.e. the devil’s own shirtless minion of pain and humiliation, was pretty hot.
– I’m pretty sure I could win a lawsuit against this place for completely inadequate instruction/ attention paid to me and the posse of upper east side moms who threw those thirty pound dumbbells in the air with the kind of reckless abandon I’d expect from my teenage brother after 6 five hour energies.
Cons:
– Patrick might be gay.
Soul Cycle
Pros:
– Convenient location at 77th and Amsterdam, PLUS it’s the original one, so shoe rentals are free! I know you’re dying to slip your feet into some sexy Velcro sneaks filled with half an inch of someone else’s sweat and blood.
– Themed rides! You want to see a sexy man put on pink spandex and lead you through a “’90s boy band vs. ‘90s girl group” ride? That will be happening this Sunday.
– Evidently, if you actually listen to your instructor when he/she tells you to turn up your resistance, some efficient calorie burning will occur. I would not be able to speak to this because I’m all like:
Image via giphy
Cons:
– Try getting your belongings in and out of a locker here without some impatient chick’s oversized Tori Burch bag clocking you in the face. Every time.
– You will see every girl you know here. Consequently, they will all see you trying and failing to keep the beat like the suburban white girl that you are (Or is this just me?)
– You will probably end up being the one twenty-year-old girl in the room sitting next to a burly forty-year-old man with a burping problem. And, damn, those bikes are close to each other.
Flywheel
Pros:
– The more competitive, less frou-frou cousin of Soul Cycle, Flywheel will whoop your ass into shape.
– If you’re a hardcore workout fiend and generally terrifying human being, you will appreciate the lack of campiness that Flywheel has compared to Soul Cycle. No themed rides here, just rock-hard abs and green smoothie-drinking marathon runners.
– LOOK AT THIS LADY:
Image via Slate
Cons:
– Your bike has a monitor attached to it, which records how well you perform during each song. These numbers are then displayed FOR THE WHOLE CLASS throughout this hour of embarrassment. Basically, this class is Survivor, made exclusively for out-of-shape girls like me who are definitely about to get voted off the island.
– This is a probably more of a personal problem, but when I was there, the girl next to me wasn’t wearing a shirt or a sports bra, just what appeared to be a very minimally supportive mesh contraption, which I found very distracting.
– LOOK AT THIS LADY:
Image via Slate
Row House NYC
Pros:
– You will find out what the term “erging” means, and it is: moving your ass back and forth on a seated treadmill guaranteed to result in butt acne and blistered palms.
– One of the cheaper options on this list. As a “first time rower,” 3 50-minute sessions of awkwardly sliding back and forth in tandem with 30 strangers will set you back only $25.
– This man might be your instructor:
Image via Row House NYC
Cons:
– You know those vaguely attractive and fairly annoying dudes who like to erg shirtless outside of Dodge? Turns out they’re actually working pretty hard and now you have to respect them a little bit.
Jump Life
Pros:
– This workout occurs in the dark, under a DISCO BALL, apparently in an attempt to simulate a Bat Mitzvah from 1977.
– There is a JumpKidz option available, so you can opt to leave your child here while you go and get a drink.
– This is what you’re about to look like:
Image via JumpLife
Cons:
– Someone might find out that you went to JumpLife and you will be forced to valiantly defend any and all life decisions from that point forward.
– What are the chances that I’m going to bounce right off of my personal trampoline and onto the innocent pregnant woman just tryna get in a low-impact workout?
Enjoy you sexy workout beasts!
Image via giphy