You know that feeling you get before you give a presentation? That knot in your stomach, pressure in your chest, chill in your veins, heat on your skin? Panic all over. That’s what my anxiety felt like, but every day, almost all day. I had no idea what was wrong with me. Until I met with Denise, who helped me shift through the noise in my mind. I had social anxiety, a result of being an introvert with extrovert tendencies, an introvert who loved being around her friends and spread herself thin with trying to please everyone.
The DSM-5 defines social anxiety as a persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be embarrassing and humiliating.
I used to get these panic attacks when I felt like there was too much pressure on me to do well, to be better, to be constantly putting on a presentation or performance. I’d hide them from my family and my friends by just shutting them out and alienating myself in my room so no one could see my emotions. Being seen as weak was always seemed embarrassing to me, and I felt that I was judged for my emotions, emotions I didn’t really understand. So in my case, it’s the microscope I think others are putting me under, and not wanting to be scrutinized for my feelings and actions.
It was all put in perspective for me the night that I meant to stay in and relax from the stressful semester, and was talked into going out by my friends. The night that one of my closest friends and I got into such a bad disagreement all my anxiety and worries bubbled over, and I ended up in the hospital.
I had been trying to deal with the anxiety on my own; I would turn into such… well, a b*tch, to my friends and family because I couldn’t explain what I was feeling. I hadn’t been giving myself the alone time I needed to work on myself and sort everything out.
After that night I began seeing a counselor, once a week until the end of the school year. She helped me more than I can say. I was able to identify triggers that caused my anxiety to rise, and ways to if not avoid the panic attacks completely, calm down. I began journaling again, connecting with myself and with what I really believed in, and finding the person I wanted to be.
I haven’t had a panic attack in several months now, and my anxiety is at a very manageable level. I’m finding out the things I really believe in, I’m doing what I want to do and not because someone is making me feel guilty about not doing it, and I’m finding my voice. Anxiety doesn’t control my life anymore. I don’t get sad for little to no reason because I am so anxious to do something, I don’t get stressed out because I understand how to manage my time and all the aspects of my life. I don’t allow people into my life that put me in positions that increase my anxiety.
Getting anxiety, or any mental health disability, under control isn’t easy because you have to be willing to try. There are simple day-to-day things you can try, like working out in a class setting where others are around. That was one of my first steps. I took yoga, Pilates, cardio dance, anything I was interested in. I also went alone often, I needed to learn to be on my own. Now? I’m still going to those classes, and I’m even assisting some so that I can eventually teach them on my own. I’m overcoming my anxiety.
I am experiencing, I am living.
Anxiety doesn’t control me anymore. I don’t use it as an excuse. I use it as a lesson, and a motivation to make myself stronger.
Images:
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