There are moments when we find ourselves alone; physically, mentally, and emotionally alone. When we see ourselves, swallowed in a sea of inadequacy, who can talk us out of it? When we find ourselves soaked in anxiety and dripping with doubt who can dry us off with the warm towel of reassurance and confidence? When we are alone, who is there?
I’ve always been a very pensive person, but until recently I didn’t realize how debilitating and unproductive some of my thoughts were. Overthinking is the black hole that I found myself in time and time again. When my thoughts crowded the room, and when space seemed too small for the stars, you could find me on my bed. I didn’t want to move – I just sat and let the violent crashing of waves, currents of worry and uncertainty, pass.
One night as I sat in the middle of my hurricane, a voice spoke to me. Another thought, but a different one. This voice told me, “Go take a shower. You’ll feel a lot better”. And so, I did. I felt a lot better afterward. This voice told me, “Eat something. You haven’t eaten all day”. And I did. This nurturing source helped me step out of my boat of battles and to lift myself up. This voice was not a family member or a friend; it felt distant in a way. It was not the voice of a caring stranger either, for it was much more personal. It came from me. The source was a deeper part of me; a part of me that is full of love, care, guidance, knowledge, and truth. I recognized this voice whenever I gave advice, held a friend, or consoled family.
I like to refer to this voice now as my inner-mother. When I think of my mother, and what a mother is, I think of beginnings. The beginning of life, understanding, patience, truth, and strength from adversity. My inner-mother has been my North Star. She is more than intuition and more than a conscience. She had pulled me up when I saw no way out; when there was no way out. She had brought me confidence and clarity when I needed it, and has made me think of the following questions: What do I want? What’s good for me? How do I feel?
She has not replaced the meaningful people in my life who provide me with an abundance of love and comfort. Instead, she’s helped me strengthen my relationships with them. She has simply helped me understand that I am whole, worthy of loving myself, and that I am the master of my mind. She has brought me to a space of wellness, self-acceptance, and continuous growth that I would not have genuinely found otherwise. She was the loudest whisper amongst the thoughts that screamed at each other. She guides me to me. I hear her when I win small and lose big. I listen to her in the spaces of solitude and crescendos of confidence. I thank her.