It’s the end of a hot date, and you’re back at his place. His hands are running through your hair, yours are inching up his shirt. Emotions are flowing free, tangled with kisses and hormones. It could be true love. It could be a random Saturday night affair. But let’s call it what it really is.
It’s a hook-up, and it’s exciting. Heck, if your dry spell has left your love life more arid than the Sahara, it’s downright thrilling. But as swept up in your hot ‘n’ heavy make-out sesh as you may be, there are certain things you must remember to keep in check, one being what you say.
Allow us to break it down for you. Ooo-ing and ahh-ing — go for it. Nonsensical strings of complimentary adjectives — sure, why not? Repeating his name, over and over — yah, we can get behind that. But any of the phrases below — that’s where we draw the line.
Read on to find out 11 things you should never, ever, say mid-hook-up.
1. “My ex was a better kisser.”
Look, you know there are girls in his past, and he knows there are guys in yours. But comparing the present to the past is a major no-no. It’s ok to think your previous beau had the lips of a Grecian god, and that this guy’s are, well, nowhere near god-like. Just keep the traitorous thoughts in your head, and direct his technique instead of bashing it.
2. “And this makes 100!”
Um, do you want a medal? The deets of your past, like the specifics of your ex-beau’s tantalizing tongue tactics, are completely unnecessary, especially when unprovoked during a casual hook-up. If your relationship progresses, the “what’s your number” discussion will certainly come up sooner or later. Leave the sharing until then — and if your total is this high, may we suggest the divide-by-four-and-subtract-ten trick?
3. “I hope my boyfriend doesn’t find out about this.”
While we don’t typically condone cheating, we’ll hold the judgment and simply address the awkwardness of this statement. Expressing doubts about the current situation you’ve found yourself in is an immediate turn-off. And when those doubts concern your potentially relationship-breaking lies, it’s enough to make your current conquest run away. Secrets can be hot, but worry isn’t. If you’re that uncomfortable with what you’re doing, put the kibosh on it until the coast (and your relationship status) is clear.
4. “Hold on, I need to tweet this.”
We’ve warned you of the dangers of oversharing the details of your relationship on social networks before. (RIP Ashton and Demi.) Stepping on the brakes mid-hook up to share how “lucky I M 2 have found this guy :) :) <3”is TMI at its worst. Ladies, it’s Twittervention-worthy. If you must craft a 140-character summary of your mind-blowing kissing buddy, do your best to wait until his lips have unlocked from yours.
5. “Oh my God, yes! Jeff! Jeff!” (His name is Matt.)
We know you may have met a lot of inquiring suitors over the course of the night. A couple vodka-cranberries later it’s tough to keep your name straight, let alone that of the guy you ended up with. But for the love of all things classy, do yourself a favor and make sure you’re 100 percent certain of his name before letting it roll off your tongue. When it doubt, keep your lips locked on his sexy pout.
6. “Are you sure I’m doing this right?”
Faking it isn’t bedroom advice we usually dole out. But repeatedly asking for reassurance kills both your confidence and his mood. Our take on this situation? Skip the third degree and fake it ‘til you make it. If you’re still skeptical of your performance, use all of that super-duper college knowledge and read his body language. You can thank us and your psych 101 teacher later.
7. “Does this mean we’re Facebook official?”
We’ll try to break this to you quickly and with minimal pain: No, it doesn’t. While it hasbeen said that if you want to know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss, make no assumptions or inquiries during your late-night smooch marathon. Forget or disregard this tidbit, and you will forever be known as the Stage-Five Clinger of his inner circle, a title we sincerely hope you get through college without receiving. (And can we advise you to decrease Zuckerberg’s influence on your love life? That dude’s hogged enough fame already. Don’t let him steal the spotlight in your relationship, too.)
8. “Did I take my birth control today?”
Despite whatever amount of Baby Fever you are currently experiencing, let us assure you that your hook-up buddy does not share in your sentiments. His fear at hearing you utter these seven little words will put a giant, ugly damper on the evening’s happenings. Do yourself a favor: channel your inner Girl Scout, and always be prepared. Unless, of course, you’re curious to see a guy go from “Hell, yes” to “Hell, no” in two seconds flat. Then, by all means, blab away.
9. “Let’s break up.”
We get it – saying goodbye is never easy. But while men have proven they are truly the worst at handling break-ups (we’re looking at you, Jack “Post-It Note” Burger and Joe “25-Second Phone Call” Jonas), suggesting a split while straddling your guy is not the right way to stick it to the male species. Talk about sending mixed signals. Save the serious discussions for outside the bedroom. And, hey, if he’s down for some post-break-up nookie, go for it. Just don’t leave him with no choice.
10. “You’re thinking of someone else, aren’t you?”
Nothing makes a guy lose interest in a girl quicker than said girl exhibiting zero self-confidence. We hate to go all Oprah on you, but as long as you haven’t handcuffed him to the bedposts against his will, give yourself the credit of thinking he is enjoying your company. Shy of having Jessica Alba strut through the door, we’re betting your kisses will keep him pretty satisfied and occupied.
11. “Did you eat onions for dinner?”
Yes, being able to tell what your guy had for dinner while kissing him is the pits. At this point, though, he’s probably as aware as you are of the fact that the chipotle taco salad with extra grilled onions was a poor choice for a Friday night meal. Rather than call him out, reach into your purse, pop him a breath mint and get on with your hook-up.
Second chances are awesome, but saying one of these things mid-hook-up means you can pretty much kiss yours goodbye. Here’s to hoping you get through your next one without a hitch!