Imagine this: You just found the girl of your dreams! She’s funny, intelligent, gorgeous—not to mention super good in bed. She’s pretty much the whole package. There’s just one teeny, tiny problem—you can’t stand her friends. They hog your girlfriend’s attention, they’re mean to you, they constantly try to break you guys up and start drama, or maybe you don’t even know why you hate them; you just do.
Hating your girlfriend’s friends can be a tricky situation, and the solution is not always clear-cut. Fixing the problem starts with evaluating exactly why you don’t like them. The solution is totally dependent on why the problem exists in the first place.
Check out a couple of common reasons why you might be butting heads with your girl’s friends and what you can do about it.
Her friends monopolize all of her time
It sucks finding yourself alone all the time, especially when you’re in a relationship. Sometimes you feel like you’d be better off single when your girlfriend would rather hang out with her friends than with you.
The first step to solving this problem is to take a chill pill and try to look at the situation from an outside point of view. Are they really hogging her attention, or are you the one being clingy? Sometimes it may seem like your girl is ditching you for her friends, but it could be that she just wants to hang out with her pals every once in a while and you’re the one trying to be around her 24/7.
If, after you’ve evaluated the situation, you can confirm that she is in fact spending more time with her friends than she is with you, try asking to join them! Your girlfriend might have no idea she’s been ignoring you. If hanging with her and her buddies still isn’t enough for you, try talking to her about it and requesting more alone time. Open communication is always a good idea!
They reject you
Brooke Geraci, a freshman at the University of Central Florida, says she’s frustrated with her girlfriend’s friends.
“I really don’t like it how all of the sudden my GF’s friends don’t really want to chill with me anymore and they just want to hang out with her,” she says. “When me and my GF were just friends, we could all chill together. Now, they don’t even consider me their friend. I’m just known as my GF’s GF. But before we were dating, I was referred to as Brooke.”
While this situation can be really upsetting and uncomfortable, it’s not uncommon. Mutual friends may pick sides when two people from their friend group start dating each other, especially when the couple gets into arguments. This may lead to some animosity that can cause you to not like former friends anymore if you’re the one they’re rejecting.
In this situation, speaking directly to your former friends (if you were ever friends with them in the first place) might be the best solution. Ask them why they’re rejecting you or if you have done anything to get on their bad sides. Talking to them without getting your girlfriend involved avoids putting unnecessary stress on her and shows initiative on your part to make the friendship work out.
They’re bad influences on your girlfriend
Friends don’t encourage friends to make bad decisions. If you think your girlfriend’s buddies are leading her down the wrong road, that may lead to some hard feelings between you and her friends. Maybe they like to drink or party or do reckless things you don’t want your girlfriend to get involved with, or perhaps they put her in dangerous situations. Whatever it is they do that leads you to believe they’re bad influences, it’s important to make your concerns clear.
Try sitting down with your girlfriend over dinner and explaining what bad effects you think her friends have had on her. Make sure you do so in a calm and judgment-free manner. For example, “I am uncomfortable with the amount so-and-so drinks,” sounds better than, “Your friend is an alcoholic.”
It’s best to talk one-on-one with your girlfriend about topics like this, because if her friends are around, they may get defensive and it can turn into an even bigger issue than it already was. Once you’ve clarified to your girlfriend what makes you uncomfortable, she can relay the information to her friends and make her own decision on what steps to take – and you can judge how much of a problem it has to be.
You just plain don’t know why you don’t like them
They’re nice and they’re good to your girlfriend, but for whatever reason, you just can’t stand them! You might need to look in unexpected places for the source of tension. Dating expert Dr. Dennis W. Neder finds that lesbians in particular are prone to rejecting non-lesbian friends of their lovers.
“That’s not to say that lesbians shun non-lesbians, but they are very protective of the community itself,” he explains. “The (often unspoken) fear is that it introduces the possibility of even more competition in a relatively small market.”
So, if you have a problem with your lover’s friends that you just can’t put your finger on, that might just be it. Try talking to her friends and getting to know them better to see if you may be compatible after all. Maybe invite them to go get coffee with you and clear the air.
Regardless of what situation has caused you to have harsh feelings towards your girlfriend’s friends, the best thing to do is to talk things out. Have a chat with your girl and let her know what it is about her friends that upsets you to see if she can clear things up, or meet up with her friends and talk it out with them. Odds are you’ll find that they aren’t such bad people after all. There may just be some sort of misunderstanding getting in the way of you being friends with them as well.
You should trust your girlfriend’s judgment! If she chose those people as her friends, they’re probably pretty decent folks. And if they aren’t, she’ll wise up and dump them sooner or later. Just stick it out, because you’re dating her, not her friends. No one said you had to like them, but you should at least try to tolerate them.