We all know exactly what we look for in our significant others. Some girls, like Snooki, even have lists of specific qualities they look for in a guy. We may not all be looking for gorilla-juicehead guidos, but we know what we like: great smile, six-pack, well dressed… oh, and polite, straightforward, and capable of holding an intelligent conversation! That’s not too much to ask, right? Of course not! The real problem is that although we know what we’re looking for, guys don’t always know what it takes to win our affection and be worthy of our time. And as you know, no girl should be with someone unworthy of her time. So boys, listen up while I lay it down. What we want is really quite simple; you just need to remember a few things:
- Don’t fart and laugh about it. I am not your bro.
- Drowning yourself in cologne is not equivalent to a shower.
- Your mother spent about ten years telling you to chew with your mouth shut – don’t let her nagging go to waste.
- No, I don’t want to sit and watch while you play video games with your friends. At least offer me a controller!
- Pull up your pants. Please?
- Don’t make any jokes about women and kitchens. If you do, I definitely won’t be making you a sandwich.
- Make a move, but not too many moves.
- Don’t ever drop the F-bomb in front of my parents. Even if they do it first.
- Quoting “South Park” at every possible opportunity does not qualify as a sense of humor.
- Please don’t make your Facebook profile picture a cartoon. I don’t want my friends to think I’m in a relationship with a Dragon Ball Z character.
- Fine, keep your World of Warcraft account, just talk about something else over dinner.
- Offer to pay for us sometimes, even if it’s just for our coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts.
- Let us pay for things sometimes. Feminism can be fun for everyone!
- Yeah, players are gonna play, but players are also going to be generally disliked by most women.
- Ask me about ME! Why do so many men not get this?!
- If you spend more time on your hair than I do, odds are we will not be living happily ever after.
- Unless your first name is Pauly and your last name is D, stay away from the tanning salon.
- The lacrosse pinney belongs on the lacrosse field, not in a bar on a Saturday night.
- Whenever possible, avoid being a douchebag, an idiot, and a drama queen.
- Be a part-time lover and a full-time friend.
In all seriousness, being Mr. Right is all about finding Miss Right, the person who has the same weird quirks as you and laughs at the same stupid jokes. But being polite, hygienic, happy, and socially capable are the main building blocks to any sort of attraction. So take off that dirty t-shirt, practice your smile and a few jokes, and then go out into the dating world and prosper.