Let’s be real here, collegiettes: we’ve all seen Mean Girls. And we all rooted for Cady to succeed in winning over Aaron Samuels as she made Regina, her supposed best friend, smell like a foot, gain ten pounds, and seem like a horrible person. And even if you don’t cheer loudly for Cady (as my friends and I still do when we watch the movie), you can’t help but laugh at the girl-girl sabotage in the movie.
But what happens when this type of sabotage – that is, attempting to ruin a friend’s relationship – is more than just a silly movie or an Avril Lavigne music video? What do we do when, as Tina Fey so eloquently puts it, this “girl on girl crime” becomes part of our everyday life?
Odds are that you’ve either been the saboteur or the sabotaged at some point in your life: either your friends hated the tattooed guy you were dating, or you were the driving force that ended your roommate’s last relationship. Her Campus is here to figure out why we girls have a tendency to ruin each other’s relationships, and learn other ways to deal with a less-than-perfect romance.
What Are We Doing?
Sabotaging A Friend
Not every guy we date in college is a rockstar: more often than not, they’re duds, but for the most part they’re harmless. However, once in a while, your friend will start bringing home a guy that for some reason, you want to either rip off his hipster mustache or kick him out of your apartment before he burps one more time. Katie*, a George Washington University student, was repulsed by her roommate’s summer boyfriend. Not only had her roommate just gotten out of a two year relationship, but her new fling Gary* was atrocious: he had a fake British accent, called every girl “love” and even walked around Katie and her roommate’s apartment naked! Katie decided to take a passive stance: she would walk about ten feet in front of the couple when they went out as a group, drop Gary’s toothbrush on the floor, and even faked sick one night so that her roommate would have to miss a date and take care of Katie.
But it isn’t just this kind of passive aggressive behavior that girls are committing in college. I know I will casually ask my cousin if she and her boyfriend are “still together” when I call her, hoping to plant the seed that he’s not good enough for her. Some people will straight up pretend that their friend’s significant other doesn’t exist. Savannah, a Washington University student, brought her friend Maddie out one night to a fraternity with the sole goal of having her meet someone, anyone that would be better than Maddie’s current boyfriend, Vince. Savannah took Maddie to a fraternity where she’d recently met a bunch of guys, and introduced Maddie to a cute boy, and then disappeared. Maddie naturally tried to find Savannah after the forced meeting, and Savannah once again set up Maddie and ran away. Needless to say, Maddie was not pleased with Savannah’s behavior: she liked Vince, and still to this day does.
Being Sabotaged
Maddie vividly remembers moving up the flights of the off-campus frat house as she sits next to Vince, three years later. The couple is still happily together in spite of the obstacles that confronted them when they were freshmen – former friends that, for the most part, they no longer speak to. Vince recounts the story of walking into the frat house to pick up Maddie, and having Savannah screaming at him, saying that he was interrupting girls’ night and wasn’t giving Maddie any space (she had asked him to come pick her up). Being sabotaged was tough for Maddie: she confronted Savannah, and although the two still speak, their relationship has never been the same. According to Maddie, knowing that her close friend was trying to ruin something that made her so happy drove a huge wedge between the two.
It’s true that none of us wants to be sabotaged – when you like someone, you like someone, and most of the time it’s as simple as that. However, it’s easy to make yourself the victim and then turn to attack or criticize the boyfriend of a friend. Ali Berlin, relationship expert and radio show host, says that when it comes to sabotage, “no matter what, it’s not what it looks like it’s about.” Even if we say we have concerns about the boyfriend himself, there’s always something lurking deeper that’s driving us to sabotage. What makes us girls turn on each other and lose sight of each other’s happiness so quickly?
Why are we doing this?
Equality
Most of the time, we love our friends – so much that you choose hanging out with them above anyone else. Chalk it up to a mutual love of oversized jewelry or that class you shared freshman year, but according to Professor Barbara L. Brock, professor of education at Creighton University, there might be more to it. In her article “When Sisterly Support Changes to Sabotage,” Brock makes the point that one reason women become friends with one woman over another is equality: you believe your friends to be equals, whether it be in areas of personality, smarts, beauty, etc. So when something comes along that tips the scale in one direction, things can get tense between you two. New ideas, new hobbies, and more importantly, new changes in personality might change the sense of mutual understanding and equality that existed before. Kelly Devere-Rodgers, a relationship counselor and coach, says that when a friend enters a new relationship, “it’s easy to feel threatened or jealous.” She points out that this can be especially common in college and high school women, saying that at this point in our lives, we haven’t learned to deal with conflict. “We take all of these other classes, we learn so much – but we don’t take one class one how to be in a relationship and how to communicate with another human being!”
So why don’t guys do this? Well according to both Berlin and Devere-Rodgers, it’s because us girls make emotionally close friendships with other women a priority. Devere-Rodgers says that “the majority of clients who bring in these issues are women. As women, we want to have these emotional connections with other women, so we’ll talk about [relationships] more, want advice, or someone to listen.” Berlin agrees, citing that “in men, these feelings come out differently because masculine people deal with feelings and thoughts much differently, which is why to some, it might look like girls are more dramatic – but we just have a different brain, and a different chemical makeup.” While this means that our bonds as girl-friends are emotionally stronger, it also means that it affects us more when things change.
You Know Best
Another common reason for sabotage? You know your friend: you’ve seen her cry when she’s dumped, and you know she can’t compromise when it comes to her vegetarianism. So when you hear she went to a burger joint on her first date or that she’s wearing a trendy miniskirt instead of her trademark jeans, you already know this can’t end well. And since we’re programmed to dislike change in our friends, we generally assume that this change is always negative, and once your friend dumps this one (like she always does), she’ll return to being your denim-clad, veggie-munching bestie once more.
You also know that you don’t have the love-goggles on that she does. Maybe she can overlook that he always shows up fifteen minute late and takes hours to respond to her texts because he’s a great kisser or makes her laugh – but you can’t. Because you want to protect your friend, you’re going to pick up on these bad things that she doesn’t want to see right now, and you’re much more likely to hold a grudge against him for his flaws.
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What to do once you recognize you’re sabotaging a friend.
Consider Your Friend… and Remember She’s Your Friend
If you realize that maybe you fit the descriptions above and you’re willing to admit that you sit between the new couple at the movies or that you might’ve closed the door in her boyfriend’s face a few too many times then this is a good start! The most important thing is to recognize that it’s happening, and that as much fun as it might be trashing this guy behind your friend’s back, she’d be so upset if she knew. Yes you may hate the way he makes her drop everything to come see his basketball game – but is he really making her? Or is your friend really just so crazy in love/lust/like that she wants to drop everything to see him? If this is the case, playing passive aggressive games won’t solve anything. According to Berlin, the best thing to do is talk to her in a non-confrontational way. “Call her right away, and have coffee. Say ‘I love you’ twelve times! That reminds you and your friend that of course you love them, that’s why you’re talking to her. Say what you’ve been doing, how you’ve been feeling that’s made you do that, and that you appreciate her taking the time to listen to you. And remember,” she adds, “that humility goes a long way … an apology is a great thing. Not just an apology to ask forgiveness, but a true apology with no agenda? That’s the best.” This can help solve your problems in a constructive way without making her feel that you’re threatening her newfound happiness.
Subtle Sabotage
Berlin also points out that just because another form of sabotage is more subtle, doesn’t mean it’s less unfair. “Sometimes we call it ‘venting’ or ‘support’ – if your friend comes to you upset about something her boyfriend did, and you help her listen to her and encourage her, saying ‘yeah, what a jerk’ or ‘he could never do better than you,’ that’s not helping her. That’s hurting her relationship as much as you introducing her to other guys.” Even if you don’t like her boyfriend, Berlin says that mature thing to do is be honest and supportive, but not in the way we’re used to. “Instead of building a case against him, ask her what is going on with her that is making her feel this way. Figuring out if something larger is going on will focus more on the big picture.”
Learn to Deal
But say you don’t like how he treats her? That’s a different battle, and one you will more likely than not lose. Unfortunately, the last thing a friend wants to hear is that you don’t like her new boyfriend who, in her eyes, is perfect. Savannah opened up to Maddie one day about how she felt that Vince treated her poorly, and that she hated him. Maddie is still with Vince to this day – but her friendship with Savannah has been reduced to a brief wave between classes. Devere-Rodgers says that this type of thing happens because a friend judges a relationship too quickly. “You sometimes need to set a boundary with your friend to preserve things – and agree to not talk about that part of your life until she feels more comfortable with it. There is a process everyone has to go through, of seeing if this person is worthy of you, and you need time to make that assessment.”
Don’t Regret It
If you are sabotaging for a reason that you consider legitimate – you think that her boyfriend is unfaithful or has some dirty little secrets, then quit the backtalk and let your friend know! “If you’re trying to sabotage your friend’s relationship, you will end up sabotaging your own,” says Devere-Rodgers. “Speak truth and love to your friend. Say ‘I love you and I need to share this with you.’ Maybe you’re seeing something she’s not.” Either way, she’s your friend and she deserves to hear the ugly truth if it’s something that could have serious repercussions – such as her getting an STD – then it’s your duty to tell her. While she may be upset initially, she’ll thank you in the long run.
Whatever your situation, make sure you talk to your friend honestly right away. The longer you wait, the closer she’ll get to her boyfriend, and if you’re trying to sabotage, the farther she’ll get from you. You don’t want to end up biting your tongue at their wedding five years from now, wishing you’d been honest with her from day one!
Sources:
Brock, B. L. When Sisterly Support Changes to Sabotage. Journal of Women in Educational Leadership v. 6 no. 3 (July 2008) p. 211-26
Kelly Devere-Rodgers – Relationship Counselor and Coach
Ali Berlin – Relationship Expert and Radio Show Host
Katie*, student
Maddie, student
Vince, student
Charlotte*, student
*name changed