Desperately trying to understand the inscrutable mind of the college male? Real Live College Guy Joel (replete with a name way cooler than those of RLCGs Joe and Joey) is here to help you out, call you out, write you a poem to show you’re great and to stop worrying, etc. From major emotional drama to the minutiae of social interaction, use him as your one-stop shop for guy advice.
My ex and I have had an on-again off-again friendship. We spent some time together and actually had sex (eek!) a few days ago. We agreed to spend time together more frequently, but how do I know if he’s serious? Should I still text him to hang out next week? — More Than Friends at Montclair
More Than Friends,
Eek! is correct. Your relationship is in a gray area that might end in more hard feelings. Frankly, this whole thing sounds like a bad idea to me, and I think your doubts show that part of you feels that way as well. You might have to distance yourself from your ex to avoid a messy and painful situation.
Let me pick apart what you are saying. I don’t understand quite what “on-again, off-again friendship” means. Do you try to get along then end up fighting? If so, that doesn’t sound like a supportive relationship. However, there’s obviously still a considerable mutual attraction, and that is understandable given that you had a serious relationship.
But, given that you used to be together, your inability to trust this guy says a lot. If you don’t know whether you can trust someone to be on the same page as you, or to mean what he says, then pursuing a relationship with him seems ill advised. He might be saying he wants to spend time with you more frequently, but he possibly, bordering on probably, just wants to hook up. But I might be wrong, and you should give him the chance to prove me wrong.
Don’t text him. Don’t call him when you’re drunk. Don’t post any cute pictures of puppies on his Facebook wall. If he wants to begin a new romantic relationship with you he needs to take the initiative by contacting you. If he obviously just wants you to “come hang out” after 1am then stay away and cut off contact with him. If he seems to genuinely want to spend time with you, be direct and ask him if he’s serious. He might be confused and waffle because his feelings are also conflicted. In that case as well, I would avoid spending any more time with him.
In short, if he expresses interest in an unambiguous relationship with you, then go for it. If not, it’s time to let go. I’ve written before about my belief in brutally distancing yourself from people who hurt you. You should cut off contact with him unless he comes to you. It will be hard but it will make life simpler for you down the road.
Fill out my online form.