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Sex + Relationships

Real Live College Guy Joe: Post-Hook Up Etiquette and How to be Sexy but Not Crazy in the Bedroom

Ever wonder what guys think, how to deal with them, or whether instead of listening to you they just imagine you naked?  Our Real Live College Guy Joe will answer all your questions about college men and relationships with wit, clarity, grace, and physical attractiveness (can you tell he wrote this intro himself?) all while imagining you fully clothed!  Well, usually – he is a college guy. 

Last weekend I met this guy at a bar and we were really drunk, went back to his apartment, hooked up (but didn’t have sex) and I stayed over.   Then he texted me this week, and on Thursday night we went and got a drink at a bar, then went back to his apartment, hooked up (but didn’t have sex) and I stayed over. I would be interested in seeing him again and maybe dating him.  My question is: what should I do now?  We had a good convo, it wasn’t like just a hook-up, but I can’t tell whether he’s looking to date me or just hook up with me or what.  Should I text him, and if so, when?  This weekend?  Or Sunday?  Or wait longer?  Or should I just wait for him to text me?-Confused at Cornell
Be not afraid, you confused yet lucky lady, you.  You could have a good thing going.  First, I’m going to tell you why this guy sounds like a possible winner – you’re welcome, dude at Cornell – then I’ll tell you the moves to take in this situation, as well as any similar situation, that your guy will appreciate. 
Have Hope
From the abundance of question marks in your question, it seems like you can be a bit of a worrier.  That’s totally cool – I once brought a restaurant hostess flowers and chocolate when she said, “Come back and see us anytime.”  One thing that always helps me is to look at the facts:

  • When you were both really drunk, he gave you a place to stay that wasn’t a highway overpass, always a plus.
  • HE texted YOU back first, a sign that he’s either interested or has no other friends; either way, you’re high on his list of potential snuggle buddies.
  • You’ve slept over at his place twice and YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE SEX.  He’s certainly a gallant, albeit blue-balled, gentleman.
  • You had a good conversation, which means you shared something real and didn’t go back to his place just to “check out his shoe collection” – it obviously wasn’t just a hook-up for him either.

So, from the outside looking in, he’s interested in you in all the right, long-term-relationship related ways.  I wouldn’t be surprised to find he’s picked out the wedding ring already. 
What You Should Do
Ideally, he would text you back again, after a shorter delay than last time.  Then you’d definitely know he’s interested.  If he doesn’t, though, don’t be alarmed.  He is probably worrying about the exact same things you are, i.e., whether you’re interested, what you should name your kids, etc. Or he might have done the truly classy thing and sent you his next message via post, in which case it will arrive on your stoop in a couple weeks. 
If he hasn’t holla’d at you for a couple days, text him yourself.  This move may seem strange and unladylike to you at first, but there’s something I urgently need to tell you and all other newly enlightened readers of this column.  If you’re interested in someone and have a hunch he’s interested, too, I beg of you – no, I plead of you upon bended knee, for the sake of all mankind – please don’t play too hard to get.
I don’t mean to say you’re consciously guilty of such a dastardly deed, not by any stretch.  However, if you spend too much time playing “He loves me, he loves me not,” and wondering whether or not to call him back, he might think you’re toying with him a little.  And there is nothing, NOTHING more annoying than cat-and-mouse after the mouse has already let you bite a little bit of its tail, if you follow my meta-fur.  Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
Anyways, the moral of the story is to not be afraid to text him (texting is better than calling in this case).  Ask him out for a drink, or, even better, just ask him how his day is going.  This way, you’ll establish a rapport between yourselves, and you can spend the next few days deciphering his punctuation choices for hints that he likes you.   As we already saw in our handy list, he certainly seems interested in you, so he won’t mind the text.  In fact, he’ll probably be ecstatic that you’re interested in something real, too.

What are certain bedroom behaviors any guy would find hot and are a “safe bet,” and what are some that might be over the top and you need to gauge if the guy is interested? I always want to be “hot” and not boring in my hook-ups, but I also want to make sure I’m not doing anything that might freak a guy out, and just because a past guy was into it I can’t assume that all guys are, right?  -Creative at Colorado
Your impulses are most definitely correct.  Guys love creativity in their love life, unless it involves excessive use of very flammable substances.  I will split my response into two parts: 1) What is sure to turn a guy on, and 2) What is too much.
As you correctly stated, every guy has different romantic tastes.  Some guys have fetishes, some guys like to keep all their clothes on and apologize to the Lord during the act, and some guys might be surprised that you have different anatomy than they do.  But there are some things that turn most guys on:

  • Talking dirty: No guy will tell you, “Ladies musn’t speak in that fashion,” or “Don’t talk about Joe, Jr. like that!”  Guys love to hear girls talk dirty – it shows that we’re getting to see an intimate, unreserved side of you that not many others get to see.  Use curse words, talk about specific body parts, talk about what you want him to do to you.  Just please don’t laugh at him, ever.  May you never know such humiliation.
  • Touching yourself: Guys generally like it when girls touch themselves, and I don’t just mean masturbation – although, if you’ve gotten to that level with a guy, please don’t hesitate.  I’m talking about all kind of touching: caressing your cleavage, running your hands down the sides of your body, grabbing your hair.  It shows that you are comfortable with your body and are enjoying yourself, and it is so hot. 
  • Lap dances and PDA: You see it all the time.  Drunk-o skanks waving their tongues all over the dance floor, shameless girls who would give a lap dance to a guy in the electric chair.  They give PDA a bad name.  But making out in public, getting a lap dance (even, sometimes, in the middle of a raging party), and getting really intimate while people are in the next room – nothing gets a guy’s heart pounding faster.  And if you don’t do it so much you get a bad reputation, it can be a great move to pull out once in a while.

Whoa There, Sister
Turn-offs vary as much guy-to-guy as turn-ons do, but there are a few things that no guy will find sexy.  And I’m not talking crazy Tub Girl stuff – even the most mundane things can destroy a sexy moment. 

  • Teeth: No guy other than an insane masochist likes to feel your teeth anywhere on his body.  Of course, in your acts of animalistic passion teeth will at times accidentally enter the fray.  But consider yourself warned: as soon as he feels your bite, he’ll be too focused on his physical discomfort and the off chance that you’re a Twilight character in disguise to feel sexy towards you.  So, when kissing on his tongue or anywhere on his body, try to keep your chompers out of it. 
  • Hickeys: In the heat of the moment, sucking violently on someone’s neck might seem like a fun idea.  But no one wants to walk around in a turtleneck for the next three days, or tell everyone he got hit by a lacrosse ball; he might even get angry at you for putting him through such an experience.  Just don’t. 
  • Sloppy seconds: Unless he’s drunk out of his mind, no self-respecting guy will want anything to do with you if he’s already seen you giving lap-dances to three guys and making out with three others that night.  If you’re looking to bless a guy with heavy PDA at a party, choose wisely, and stick to your choice. 
  • Props: Props – e.g., sex-toys, whipped cream, etc. – are good and bad.  If you’ve been in a relationship for a while and want to add some flavor, then you can bust out the Cool Whip and strawberries.  But on a first hook-up, it’s a little much to handle.  Let him enjoy the fruits of your body.  And asking him to pleasure you with a dildo is always annoying – he has a real one at the ready that he is more than willing to donate for your service.

That’s the list of dos and do nots that come to mind.  Of course, all rules can and should be broken.  When you’re out there bumping, grinding, and tonsil-hockey-ing on the dance floor, or in a warm embrace on a couch in his apartment, you should go with your gut.  Don’t think of me and my suggestions – though I would be truly flattered, and you should feel free to call and tell me about it afterwards – rather, think of what he likes and what the situation calls for.  And don’t be afraid to test the boundaries: if he doesn’t like something, he can always say no.  Just enjoy yourself, immerse yourself in the moment, and you can’t go wrong.

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