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Sex + Relationships

Real Live College Guy Joe: The Deal with On & Off Relationships with Ex-BF’s

Ever wonder what guys think, how to deal with them, or whether instead of listening to you, they just imagine you naked? Our Real Live College Guy Joe will answer all your questions about men and relationships with wit, clarity, grace and physical attractiveness (can you tell he wrote this intro himself?) all while imagining you fully clothed! Well, usually – he is a college guy.
So I have been on and off hooking up with one of my exes for the past three years. I keep trying to either end it or figure out if he wants a relationship. The last time we parted, I thought it was definitely for good. We cut off all communication, and there was a whole sob-fest, final discussion and everything. Well, that only lasted a month. He contacted me one night after I had gone to a party, and everything started all over again. My goal this time was to figure out what the heck he wants! To date or not to date? And if not, why is he keeping me around when he knows I have invested feelings?  - Never-ending at NYU 

THREE YEARS!?!? Are you kidding me? As in one year, except times three? As in about 1/7 of your natural born life? As in longer than the lifespans of most marriages, goldfishes and marriages amongst goldfish?  Three years, Jesús. 
I should collect myself.

Obviously, this guy still has feelings for you. Because in three years, he could have hooked up with, let’s see … one, times seven days a week, times 365, plus a few for holidays – about a hundred billion girls. You can check my math, but I think it’s correct.

If homie can’t let more than a month go by without calling you, you can be sure your image is still pasted to his brain and bedroom walls. I’m glad I got the chance to call someone “homie” in an article. Thank you, Her Campus.
Of course, you’re probably worried that he just keeps you around for the angry make-up sex. There are a few reasons why this probably isn’t the case. One because I’m sure you’re a very lovely person, etc., etc. (Otherwise, how could there be this deep, steamy, possibly life-changing connection between our two souls, which we are both feeling equally right now? Right?) And two because, as a veteran of long relationships myself, you don’t stick around unless there’s something substantial drawing you to stay, as I demonstrated with my parenthetical comments above, which were TOTALLY facetious  (My number is…).

But there are ways to determine his level of seriousness. Think about how much time you spend having actual conversation versus how much time you spend moaning and taking the Lord’s name in vain. How does he act now versus how he acted when you were dating? Does he still get you gifts? Does he still go out of his way to do things for you and support you in your endeavors? If he doesn’t do this kind of stuff, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings for you. It just means he may not want a relationship. And maybe he just doesn’t give a s*** about your Obo Concierto. But, honestly, I can’t tell you what he’s thinking. How can I?  I don’t know … hmmm … let me think about it … oh yeah: ask Real Live College Guy Jake Barnes. Just kidding, though he is great. The answer is him, as in your guy, as in the subject of this whole damn article. 
So you know what you should do: *SIT DOWN AND TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.* I THINK THAT’S BEEN … sorry, forgot to turn Caps Lock off. Anyway, I think that’s been the answer I give in every single one of my columns. Maybe I should just have an automated response from now on. But you know what? It works. Because, in the end, I’m not completely sure how he feels. It sounds to me as though this guy still has feelings for you but doesn’t want to be in a formal relationship at this point in his life. But you know who can tell you for sure? I’m starting to feel like the Real Live College Parrot.
I’d have this conversation sooner rather than later, for your sake. Make sure to be in a comfortable, private place – couch in the living room, quiet café, bomb shelter – and bring up the subject as naturally as you can. I’d say something along the lines of, “So, [whatever weird pet name you call him], I’ve been wondering where exactly our relationship is going.” You can insert the “um”s and “or whatever”s wherever you see fit.  It will send the conversation on a weighty turn so be prepared. But trust me that straightforwardness is always best; it will let him know you’re serious, and you’ll get a serious answer. Make sure to let him know your feelings on the matter and what you’re willing to adapt to, whether it be a relationship, hook-up or just a friendship. Above all, you just want to know what he wants. That way, he won’t feel forced to give a certain answer, and you can have a productive conversation. Whatever happens, the necking afterward will be all the better, since it will either be 1) “Yay we’re boyfriend and girlfriend again” necking, or 2) “Well, guess we might as well neck one last time” necking.

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