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Sex + Relationships

Real Live College Guy Jake: What Guys Really Think About Dating Virgins

  If you ever find yourself wondering what could possibly be going through a guy’s head, look no further. Our Real Live College Guy Jake will give you the answers to your most burning questions about love, relationships and the stupid things that guys sometimes (okay, a lot of times) do and say. Read on to uncover truths that men have been guarding for centuries (and to find out whether or not he thinks wearing a belt over a T-shirt is stupid).
So I started dating my boyfriend about 2 1/2 months ago, but we had known each other for awhile before that. Before dating, he didn’t know whether I was a virgin or not. Our first and second “dates” were big on making out and everything. Then, I told him I was a virgin, and he seemed to lose interest in being physical. Like I always have to start everything. Is this because I’m a virgin, he’s being overly cautious? Is he losing interest? I’m not sure how to handle this situation because I can’t just tell him to be more physical…  -Frustrated Virgin at Florida State University

Yes, your boyfriend is acting weird because you’re a virgin (sorry). It’s not that he’s afraid to have sex with you; it’s that he’s afraid of what will come next. Sex is different for everyone: for some people it is sacred, while for others it is more casual. But everyone has an idea of how it is going to be his or her first time, and the general conception associated with girls is that they romanticize their first time to a point that cannot be sustained by reality (not to say that guys don’t, but we’ll never tell…). It really doesn’t matter if you’re one of these romantic types; what matters is that this boyfriend probably thinks you envision yourself losing your virginity under utterly perfect circumstances. Not only does this put a lot of pressure on him to live up to your expectations for the act itself, but it also puts a lot of pressure on him to be there for you afterwards. 
Most people shy away from virgins because they feel that by going through with it, they are bound to this person, almost legally, as he or she goes through the emotional and physical confusion that may or may not follow. The best path to take in this situation, as in almost every situation, is the path of honesty. Take some time to think about what sex means for you and how important your first experience is in the scheme of things. Have a conversation with your boyfriend to make sure he is on the same page. If your first time is extremely important to you and something you feel should be accompanied by a serious relationship, then let this boy know you feel that way. If you’re not ready for sex, tell him that, and he will probably respect it – at least it will give him some concrete guidelines to work with, so you two can enjoy the perks of hooking up without the pressure of wondering how far it should go. If you do want to have sex with him, let him know; tell him that you understand why he may feel uncomfortable being the one to initiate the act, and either A) assure him that you want him to be the one to usher you through the process or B) that when you’re ready for sex, you will be the one taking control (in which case, you might want to consult a manual). Finally, if you’re worried that he might break up with you because you’re a virgin, don’t be. He probably won’t, and if he does, then he’s definitely not the guy for you.

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Jake attended a small liberal arts college in Upstate New York where he majored in English. In his first year out, he hopes to begin working in film production or online/print media while he pursues his creative goals as a writer. His favorite things are film, tennis, books, Monopoly, hockey (Go Wings!) and nature. In the near future he'd like to travel and make documentary films.
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