Chivalry is dead, and it’s apparently everyone’s fault.
Okay, maybe that statement is a little drastic. Some people believe that chivalry as an ideal is dying, but few people can agree on the reason why it’s dying.
Some have argued that so-called “nice guys” are killing chivalry. These guys use chivalry (or as we know it today, something more akin to courtesy) as a front––they become the best friend you laugh with, the shoulder you cry on. And when they finally muster up the courage to ask you out or declare their feelings and are turned down, they become angry. “How dare she turn me down after all the times I’ve been there for her!” they shout. “She always says she wants a nice guy, but then she won’t date me!”
They feel as though their rage is warranted.
Others have argued that radical feminists are to blame. They say their growing suspicion of men being kind is unwarranted, and their assumption that a man has ulterior motives if he offers to pay for a meal or open a door is also unnecessary. They say it’s vastly and unbelievably insulting to women everywhere.
Outside of arguing over whether or not chivalry is alive or dead, we also appear to stumble over the actual definition of the word. Merriam-Webster defines the word as “an honorable and polite way of behaving especially toward women,” which is all well and good until we try and find out what “honorable behavior” really is. Is it simply holding a door open for a woman? Standing up every time she enters a room? Carrying her groceries? Is it all of these things? Is it none of these things?
You see where the confusion comes from.
To remedy this conundrum, I asked a handful of people what their views on the subject were.
In a virtual debate hosted by The New York Times, a group of four men and two women were asked what their views on chivalry were. Obvious gender balances notwithstanding, Brett McKay of The Art of Manliness argued that chivalry was necessary for society.
“In a gender-neutral modern world, chivalric acts are non-onerous rituals that faintly echo our relationship to each other,” McKay says. “They serve to remind us that we need and should respect, appreciate and quite frankly enjoy each other.”
Keith Bernard, a music producer and blogger at Recognize and Realize believes chivalry contributes to chauvinism. “Today, chivalry is still no beacon of respect for women. Instead, it’s a backward social contract that manages to be lopsided at both ends,” he says. “At best, men walk away from chivalric transactions feeling slightly resentful and, at worst, deeply entitled.”
These are fairly classic pro/con answers. They are as opposite as black and white, but in my research, there seemed to be a dozen shades of gray between those two ends of the spectrum.
Auburn University junior Kerry Coppinger has noticed a staunch difference in the behavior of men between her hometown of Boston and her current southern location. “[At Auburn,] guys will hold the door open for me when I’m entering a building practically every day, even if I’m like 20 feet behind them,” she says. Up north, however, she says that “[everyone] seems to be concerned mostly with getting from point A to point B with as little interaction with strangers as possible.”
+1 point for the argument of geographical divides.
Lindsay Goldstein, a junior at the University of Illinois, doesn’t think chivalry is dead either—but she admits that the ideal is so much more than just holding doors open for people. “I think modern chivalry also addresses respect in the form of attitude,” she says. “The chivalrous men of today aren’t afraid to fight for equal gender rights, love the women in their lives […] for everything they are and every thought they have, and are always willing to learn more about those women and how they choose to live their lives.”
Jen Morgan, a sophomore studying at Messiah College, disagrees with both Lindsay and Kerry. “I do think that chivalry is dead,” she says. “Over time it’s gradually decreased, so of course in the future it’s going to continue to decline.”
Jen believes that, among other reasons, peer pressure and hip-hop culture have contributed to the ideal’s death. “Don’t get me wrong, the beats are great […] but when you listen to the words then it really shows just how dead chivalry is,” she says. “I also think that radical feminism and women having more power over their actions throughout the years have lead to its decline as well.”
Nicole Knoebel, a junior at Marist College, thinks chivalry is on a decline, though it’s not totally dead and gone. “I think it’s sad that I feel shocked when a guy opens a car door for me or holds a door to class for me,” she says. “I don’t know when chivalry started to die out, but I think it should make a comeback because it just shows that a guy is respectful and knows how to be a gentleman, as corny as that may sound.”
Where have we found ourselves, score-wise? Tied up at 2-2, not including the arguments from the Times debate.
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Susannah Hine, a senior at the University of California, Irvine, also thinks true chivalrous behavior is a rarity. “I think that chivalry is dead in the sense that it’s not something guys see as a quality that they must possess in order to get the girl they want and/or treat her correctly,” she says.
Her argument is justified by the countless comments on Internet forums—comments from men, mostly, that call out women for being heartless and cold. They sum up the death of chivalry to the fact that women supposedly take advantage of perfectly nice guys and essentially screw them over. It’s like deforestation, they imagine. Women move in and use something nice for all or most of its resources and move on without so much as a thank you. They blame everything on the “friend zone.”
Christian Walker, a junior at Old Dominion University, sees chivalry as a materialistic thing nowadays. As opposed to chivalry from the days of old, women now are able to stand up and say things like “I can open the door by myself.” He says that, as a whole, this style of thinking is “probably detrimental” to the concept of chivalry and has contributed to its modern day molding, if not its death.
A quick score check puts us at … oh, 2-4. Out of those asked, so far two believe chivalry is still alive and well, and four believe it to be just barely grasping for life.
Kelsey Lueptow of Everyday Feminism created an analogy to help readers understand chivalry and feminism a little better: “The word ‘chivalry’ is to feminism as the word ‘feminist’ is to patriarchy.” Most people hear the word “feminism” and are quick to connect it with a negative meaning.
“[The] problem with chivalry is that it isn’t just about mutual kindness. It’s inherently a one-way street where only men are polite only to women,” writes Lueptow. “And no healthy relationship can be built on that.”
So where does this final exclamation put us? Five believe chivalry is not only dying but in some way a detriment to the equality of society. We’ve also found that there’s no singular reason why, but rather a handful of contributing factors. Most of those factors fall under the umbrella of gender equality, however. The simple fact is that we live in a society where––as opposed to that of medieval times––women can handle things themselves. We as a society are making greater strides toward simply being better, though we aren’t totally there yet.
But what does this mean for chivalry, or, in this case, common courtesy?
To the men who may be reading this article, there’s nothing wrong with holding the door open for a woman or offering to help her with heavy lifting, but if you’re going to do so, do it in a manner that doesn’t come off as creepy or two-faced. Be courteous for the right reasons, as opposed to being good for rewards. You know what animal does stuff for rewards? Dogs. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired of our gender being compared to dogs.
Women, if a guy offers to help you, don’t jump to conclusions and assume he has hidden motives. You shouldn’t always be suspicious of a man’s actions––that only hinders progress for everyone. However, if you really do get a bad vibe from a guy, decline his help and continue on your way.
Chivalry may be dying, but perhaps that isn’t a bad thing. Frankly, I think it’s time for everyone to start being a little more kind for the sake of just being a little more kind. Don’t do it to seem courageous or knightly, don’t even do it because the person is of the opposite sex… just do it to be a better person.
Personally, I see the value in chivalry. I understand the concept, and I think there are aspects of the matter that should be held regardless of time. I think men should treat women with respect, though I disagree with the idea that they should only do so because someone is of the opposite gender.
I understand why chivalry can be classified as sexist, which is why I’m in favor of reformatting it to apply to all genders. Our generation is locked in a constant battle for gender equality, which is good. Needless to say, we’ve made great strides, but there is still more work to be done. We can start by throwing out the old school idea that men must treat women a certain way simply because they are women, and instead just treat fellow human beings with some basic sense of human decency and respect.
That’s something that everyone deserves.