Tired of having to sort out the “nice guys” from the “bad boys”? Want to move up from one-night stand to full-time girlfriend, but unsure of how to do so? Stop worrying, because Real Live College Guy Dale is finally here to help with all of your collegiette love kerfuffles and help steer you clear of any unnecessary drama during your brief but ever-important time in college.
My boyfriend is in the military and is currently stationed on the West Coast, while I go to school on the East Coast. Because of the time difference, Skype calls are near impossible, and phone calls are few and far between. Of late, when we do try to talk, he only wants to talk about his gaming group online and he shrugs off any attempt by me to talk about anything serious. He is so easy to get along with because he just doesn’t care. And he doesn’t care about a lot, from how we spend Christmas to how often we talk. When he was still on this side of the country, we planned and interacted constantly, and that has dropped to a few text messages, if I’m lucky. I understand that he is doing a lot right now, but I also want to feel like I’m still a part of his life. While on most days I’m still happy, I don’t know how I can get a “caring” answer out of him about our future. ––Left Out at LIU
Left Out,
Write him a letter. No, not one of “those” letters––but a heartfelt letter about how you’re feeling and what’s on your mind. I find that sometimes the best way to convey your thoughts and feelings isn’t through speaking, but rather through writing.
Talking gives you room to screw up. Word vomit, as it’s commonly known, has the chance to do a lot of damage. Putting things into writing, however, lets you keep your thoughts and emotions in order. List them out, put them into sentences, sign your name: done. Think of letters like conversation––because that’s what they are––you speak your mind, and then the other person has a chance to respond.
Still, Left Out, what you should remember to keep in mind is that he’s in the military on the opposite side of the country. This can’t be easy for him either, you know? He’s separated from you, his friends and probably his family as well, and different people are going to find different ways to cope with separation and distance. I can’t say I blame him for not wanting to talk about really serious things right now, because being in the military is stressful enough––physically and emotionally––as is. Remember to try and think about his feelings as well, even though they might be hard to understand right now.
I think the odds are good that he still cares about you greatly. I also think that he might be feeling kind of isolated at the moment, and as backwards as it seems, his way of dealing with isolation is to kind of shut down. He’s acting toward others the way he feels inside.
So I think your best, most reasonable option is to write him. Not to break up with him, but to explain how you’re feeling and allow him to come up with his own on-paper response. I don’t want to tell you what to do if things continue to slide downhill, but I do want to remind you that if they do, you should remember that your happiness should always come first. Just keep that in mind.