We all need a little guidance now and then, so whether you’re stressed about a fling gone wrong, a recently wrecked relationship or how to handle a stage-five clinger, Real Live College Guy Dale is here to help you navigate the college dating scene.
I’ve been hooking up with my ex for quite a while now immediately after we broke up (which I knew was a bad idea). Now I realize my feelings for him are getting a bit too strong even though we established that we wouldn’t have feelings for each other. I know I should stop, and I feel like he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t really care about what I do, but at the same time, one night he told me he kind of had feelings for me. Now what do I do? –Down in the Dumps at Delaware
Pull back, Delaware.
You just admitted that hooking up with an ex was a bad move, and even though I totally understand rebounding, I couldn’t agree with you more. You two broke up for a reason, and no matter what that reason was, I think part of your sudden realization that you have feelings for him is stemming more from you missing a physical connection than anything emotional.
Looking at this from my point of view, I see two red flags on his end. One, according to you, he’s the kind of guy who “doesn’t really care” what you do. Maybe it’s just me, but even the most easygoing boyfriend should care about what his girlfriend is doing. I’m not saying guys should be nosy and paranoid all the time, but, for example, if my girlfriend is going out with her friends for the night, I’d think that shooting her a text asking how everything is going would be good. Doing this is simply a nice gesture; you’re showing you care, but one or two messages isn’t overbearing. Some guys are insecure about letting their partners go out, so they need constant updates. For any guy reading this: Don’t be that guy.
Anyway, according to you, this guy isn’t the type of guy to care about what you’re doing. If he doesn’t care, why should you?
The other issue is that, one night, however long ago, he told you he “kind of had feelings” for you. Kind of. Maybe. That’s bait if I ever saw it, Delaware. That statement is enough to pull a girl in and then keep her there, because he knows you want him (or something along those lines). It’s a trap and – even though it’s not something I’m proud to admit – it’s a trap I’ve put out myself a couple of times before. Why? Because sometimes we aren’t totally sure how we feel about someone, so instead of confronting the issue head-on, we’ll throw out, “I kind of like you,” or, “I’m not sure how I feel about everything yet, but I’m not saying ‘never.’” That kind of statement leaves a girl (or guy, whatever) with hope.
What do you do? You separate yourself from the situation and maybe go a few days or weeks without hooking up with anyone, especially your ex. Not every relationship lasts forever, and that’s fine. Like I said, you two broke up for a reason. Examine why you broke up, examine why you’re hooking up with him and then move on with lessons learned.