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Sex + Relationships

Real Live College Guy Ben: How To Trade Drunk Hookups For Boyfriend Material

HC’s resident Big Man Off Campus has covered topics from fake boobs (overrated) to masturbation (underrated) to unrequited love (frustrated). Now, he’s thrilled to make a guest appearance on RLCG to tackle the brain busters (alliterated) and provide collegiettes™ with uncensored, unashamed insight into the male inner workings of the male psyche (infiltrated).
I’m transferring to a new school and I’m definitely over the get drunk, hook up and never talk again party scene. I would like to find a boyfriend but this seems impossible in college. How do I go about meeting a guy who doesn’t just want a one-night stand? – Tired at TAMU 

Dear Tired,
Remember that book as a kid? “If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to want some milk.”
For guys, it goes something like this: If you give a man a cookie, he’s going to want that cookie again,” as opposed to: “If you give a man a cookie, he’s going to respect you and want a deep, meaningful relationship.”
If you’re getting drunk and hooking up, you’re probably spending time with guys who—you guessed it! – like to get drunk and hook up. If you’re studying and drinking coffee at Starbucks, you’re probably spending time with guys who like to study and drink coffee at Starbucks. If you’re wearing berets and writing slam poetry – you get the point. It’s about the scene, about the people with whom you surround yourself, and about how you act around them.
If you’re looking for a relationship, that guy (what’s his name again?) snoring next to hung-over you is not the place to start. Finding boyfriend material is like playing “I Spy”: the first thing you see is generally not the right one. It can be frustrating, and you have to dedicate time and energy – almost always more than you’d like to – but finding the correct answer is always worth it in the end. (Unlike playing “I Spy,” however, finding a boyfriend is not an ideal activity for long car rides.)

To find a substantial relationship, you have to show patience and also demand it from your partner. Wait before hooking up: don’t give it up physically unless you’re sure he’s giving you something emotionally in return. If you make him wait and he bails, the schmuck wasn’t worth your time; he’s just the guy you would have settled for six months ago but, at a new school with a new attitude, Tired is quickly becoming Rejuvenated. If you make a guy wait and he sticks around, you know he’s interested in more than your body. You’ll spend quality time together, get to know each other and, if it’s meant to be, mutual interest will grow. I spy something fulfilling.
The fact that you’re at a new school can help or hurt you, depending on your attitude. The disadvantage is that you won’t know as many people, so you’ll have to work to meet people and create social opportunities for yourself. I’d recommend handing out Fruit Rollups to every passerby or joining an extracurricular activity.
But seriously, being a transfer has three advantages for your romantic life: first, guys love novelty, hence the appeal of freshmen girls. As a transfer, you’ll attract as much attention as a freshman, only you’ll know how to pronounce the names of the fraternities.

Second, as a new student, you’ll have tons of opportunities to take advantage of that newfound attention. Find excuses to hang out with guys you meet. You’re new to school and looking to get acclimated and meet people. A good guy will be willing to help you. A good guy who’s into you will be downright eager. Ask him to show you the nearest restaurant, theater, and library. Then, you’re on your way to setting up dinner, a movie, and a “study break”—but not too soon, of course.
Lastly, a new environment means a clean social slate, a new reputation. You can be the drunk hook-up girl (not recommended), the Fruit Rollup girl (not recommended), or the savvy but eager new girl (now we’re talking). You’re in control. Decide who you want to be, and be it. The right type of guy will notice soon enough.

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Ben Kassoy graduated from Emory University in 2011 with a degree in English. He is the coauthor of two nonfiction humor books, a former intern at The Colbert Report, and an avid b-boy. Ben is from Bexley, OH and currently lives in New York City. He thanks affirmative action for his position at Her Campus. 
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