Politicians are, historically speaking, the worst. For every John Adams or Abraham Lincoln, there’s an Eliot Spitzer and an Anthony Weiner. Behind their Rogaine-ed locks and American flag lapel pins (“If he’s wearing the American flag on his chest, he must be a good guy…”) lies a lot of sex and scandal. We’re captivated by, grossed out by, and, admittedly, sometimes a little bit into their sexual forays and indiscretions. But what can we actually learn from the men whose offices are far less interesting than their bedrooms?
Arnold Schwarzenegger and His Housekeeper: Liars Never Win
You know that the Terminator (a name that apparently did not apply to his housekeeper’s pregnancy) sat in his California mansion with his hot Kennedy wife, feeling smug and invincible. He spent years hiding and funding a love child, all while running one of the most powerful states in the nation. But even the most well-kept secrets have a way of resurfacing. Now, he’s not just the actor-turned-politician-jerk who impregnated another woman, he’s the actor-turned-politician-jerk who impregnated another woman and lied about it for more than ten years.
Lesson Learned: If you find yourself in the romantic wrong, cut your losses by coming clean and confessing … preferably sometime before your love child enters middle school.
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John Edwards and Rielle Hunter: Be Your Own Support System
A spouse’s cancer diagnosis is – in the overwhelming majority of cases – not construed as the green light to pursue extramarital affairs. Apparently, former Sen. Edwards missed that memo. In one of the most cringe-worthy acts of infidelity since, well, ever, former Sen. Edwards admitted to cheating on his wife while she was battling terminal cancer.
Lesson Learned: You can’t always count on the Mr. to be there when things get rough. Take a page from the resilient Mrs. E and work toward being your own biggest fan, best friend and advocate.
Anthony Weiner and the Twittersphere: Be Discreet
The adeptly named politician is an idiot on many levels. While I’m not defending or condoning anyact of infidelity or sexual indiscretion, I think we can safely say that, thanks to the publicity surrounding former Rep. Weiner’s tweeted package, “If it’s going to happen, girl … keep it to yourself.” If you’re thinking about flirting with a co-worker, maybe don’t do it via his Facebook wall. If you’re dying to email a taken man, don’t CC your entire address book. If you must send scantily clad Twitter pics of yourself to strange men, well, never mind – just don’t do that. Thanks, former Rep. Weiner, for reminding us how not to be one.
Lesson Learned: Privacy is the best policy when it comes to dating, sexting, romance and love. Also, don’t be a sleaze if your name is Weiner – the headlines just write themselves.
Larry Craig and Man in Airport Bathroom: He Might Be Gay
Is your boyfriend constantly obsessed with preaching family values? A tireless opponent of civil liberties? A Republican? I’m just kidding! Don’t worry – your guy probably isn’t gay. But constant sexual intolerance (particularly coupled with an affinity for summer scarves) is a warning sign…
Lesson Learned: Sometimes the guys who are the most vocally homophobic are the same guys who solicit hand jobs in airport bathrooms.
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Dominique Strauss-Kahn and the Hotel Maid: It’s Not About the Other Woman
As women, we tend to take things personally. When our boyfriends casually check out a nice pair of legs, we assume it’s because they’re in love with the owner of the set. When they flirt with a friend, we assume it’s a passive-aggressive counter-attack in response to last year’s petty fight. When our men cheat, we’re convinced it’s a reflection of our own inadequacies. But thanks to Strauss-Kahn’s recent sexual advances directed at a hotel maid, we can now take comfort in the fact that it may just be because she’s a woman, she’s there, and he’s a jerk.
Lesson Learned: He may not be in love with The Other Woman; he may just be a guy who’s sexually charged and relatively undiscerning (But we can’t decide if that’s supposed to make us feel better or worse…).
Eliot Spitzer and Call Girls: Money CAN Buy You “Love”
Spitzer, former governor of New York and world-class womanizer, reminds us that money can buy you a lot of, um, “love.” He similarly reminds us that that’s not the kind of, um, “love,” that we’re looking for. Ditch the sugar daddy, the big spender and the governor with a lot of cash and invest in a guy you actually like. You’d hate to be known as The “Escort” Who Ruined That Important Guy’s Life.
Lesson Learned: Guys who are a little too willing to spend exorbitant amounts of cash on you can make great dates but suspicious boyfriends – that’s just not the kind of “love” you’re looking for.
Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky: Sometimes, You’ve Gotta Stand by Your Man
Before you accuse me of being a total man hater, hear me out: sometimes, you’ve gotta be the classy first lady who stands bravely by your guy as he publicly apologizes to the nation (or, you know, the college equivalent). Some praised the future Secretary of State while others ridiculed her for staying in a marriage fraught with such public indiscretion. But look at her now. She’s one of the most powerful people in the world, and Monica Lewinsky has really let herself go.
Lesson Learned: If it’s worth it, a little bit of courage, grace, forgiveness and a great power suit can save almost any relationship.
So the next time you hear about a juicy, dirty, horrible, hilarious or otherwise scandalous political sexcapade, stop feeling disillusioned and remember to thank the future ex-public officer for his service to your love life. God Bless America.