College campuses are flooded with tools. They come in all shapes, sizes and unofficial uniforms: the fratty tool, whose popped-collar too-tight polo implies an above-average level of doucheyness; the alterna-tool, who thinks he’s cooler than you because he listens to bands you’ve never heard of and studied abroad in a non-European country; the secretly-sort-of-sexist tool, who assumes his possession of a penis makes him smarter and more capable than every girl he’s ever met. Sometimes it’s obvious when a guy is a tool. Other times, your kind nature will try to see the best in him and ignore all his toolish tendencies until it’s too late. It’s a minefield out there, people, and we don’t want s**t to blow up in your face.
This is why we went into our shed and busted out the Jess and Katie Toolbox. It’s a guide like the kind you get with boxes of chocolates, which all look delicious on the outside but are sometimes full of icky insides (ew, cherry filling). No matter the surface, we’ve figured out the substance. In the grand tradition of our great Text-O-Meter we’ve ranked all the tool types for your infotainment. Study the list, learn from our wisdom and, like The Who, you won’t get tooled again. Click image to enlarge!