We need to talk.
But first you need to put the phone down. Yes, you need to put it down now. Your tiny, hateful thumbs have caused enough destruction for one day. If I let this go on any longer, I’m afraid those things will do something horrible, like invade Poland or start filming another Sex and the City movie–honestly, I don’t know which would be more terrifying. Seriously. Don’t make me go all Naomi Campbell on you and keep you in line with cell phone violence. My phone is five years old and still says Cingular on it–it’s a brick. And you’d break long before it would.
Good. I’m glad we could resolve that peacefully.
Now will you take a moment to think about what you’re doing? You’ve let your thumbs go wild, much like those spring break girls in those dirty, sexy videos. They’re harassing your boyfriend (your thumbs, not the dirty, sexy girls) with unnecessary arguments, picking a fight for the tiniest of transgressions. Every time you have a neurotic insecurity, every time you have a nonsensical gripe, you don’t even hesitate before sending him a text, setting off a long chain of painful dialogue worse than anything Stephenie Meyer could ever dream up.
I’m pretty sure the only reason your boyfriend puts up with it is because you let his tongue in your mouth every so often. But that’s only going to distract him for so long.
Before you cause irreparable damage to your relationship, let your better sense weigh in on the situation. Next time your thumbs are aching to pick a fight, consider the following–otherwise, what might have been a small spat could become an all-out thumb war.
1. You have a brain. Your thumbs do not.
Most of the time you are a reasonable young girl, a girl who is easygoing and good-natured, who takes time to think before she speaks, and rarely, if ever, says something she’ll regret–well, at least while she’s sober.
Sent 08/05/10 at 9:30pm
Are you making fun of me in your Facebook status???
****End****
Yet, for some reason, all that changes when a cell phone gets involved. It’s as if your filter disappears, and all of your thoughts just flow unedited from your brain to the screen of your handheld mobile device, where the task of sorting through them is ultimately left up to your man. And while sometimes he understands your confusing ramblings, other times he is a bit less successful.
Received 08/05/10 at 9:35pm
Huh?
****End****
But you can’t blame him for his inability to understand. Most guys our age didn’t take Crazy for their foreign language requirement. I opted for Spanish myself.
Sent 08/05/10 at 9:36pm
Ur status says “never give a fatass a cupcake” Don’t pretend like that’s not about me you jerk! So what! I’m a fatass?!?!
****End****
What you need to realize is that the real you–the girl who uses words rather than alarmingly quick thumb-typing to raise concerns–would not so thoughtlessly jump to conclusions. Because an accusation like that sounds a whole lot dumber coming out of your mouth.
Received 08/05/10 at 9:45pm
wtf? Saw a fat guy drop a cupcake and try 2 eat it off the floor.
****End****
Give it a try. Read it out loud to a friend before you send it. My guess is that half of them will go through some editing afterwards.
If only Stephenie Meyer had followed the same rule.
2. No good fight has a character limit
But say it’s a legitimate complaint you have with your man. What’s wrong with letting him know right away?
Sent 08/06/10 at 8:02pm
I rly want U 2 kno that wut u said 2 me last night in frnt of ur friends @ dinner rly wasn’t cool. U shldnt b talkin 2 me like u r the
****End****
I mean, he should know how you’re feeling. He shouldn’t just keep going about his day like nothing happened when you’re all torn up inside.
Sent 08/06/10 at 8:03pm
boss of me. Esp w/ ur friends around. And I feel like u alwys do shit like dis. U alwys cut me dwn in frnt of other ppl and it rly jus makes me feel like
****End****
Anyway, this is important! You shouldn’t have to wait for him to make some time for you. You should tell him this now, through a medium that doesn’t allow you to get out all you need to say at once, that doesn’t allow him to get out what he needs to say all at once, and that cheapens the entire legitimacy of your heart-to-heart with annoying abbreviations and chat lingo.
Sent 08/06/10 at 8:04pm
u dnt even care abt my feelings at all. It makes me feel like u thnk ur the boss and im just sum servant you expct to wait on u w/o complaining. Well guess what?
****End****
Sounds like the right thing to me.
Sent 08/06/10 at 8:05pm
im not!
****End****
3. Misinterpretation only makes things worse.
Of course there are dangers to having a face-to-face confrontation and subtracting the faces.
Sent 08/11/10 at 7:21pm
Where the hell are you? Ur 20 mins late!
****End****
Because a conversation is so much more than the words that are spoken. It’s also the body language, the facial expressions, and tone of voice of the person speaking.
Received 08/11/10 at 7:23pm
Sorry. We’re finished.
****End****
Without those things, some messages can be a little ambiguous. And you don’t want to pick the wrong interpretation.
Sent 08/11/10 at 7:26pm
You’re breaking up with me over text?!?! U and ur tiny dick can GO TO HELL!
****End****
Because if you do, you’ll only make everything worse.
Received 08/11/10 at 7:30pm
No u crazy bitch. I mean my group just finished up our project and I’m sorry I’m late. Also, my dick isn’t small. Ur vagina is huge.
****End****
[pagebreak]
4. It’s a slippery slope.
There are obvious shortcomings with using your phone instead of your words.
Sent 08/12/10 at 9:15pm
Why did Jackie tell me that you were talking shit about me with your friends?
****End****
When you are together, in person, your discussion can be as elaborate and detailed as you want. But when you’re texting, you tend to simplify responses a little bit.
Received 08/12/10 at 9:20pm
Cuz Jackie’s a bitch. I was just joking around.
****End****
And as part of that simplification process, you might take a complex, nuanced feeling, and boil it down to only a few words.
Sent 08/12/10 at 9:22pm
So it’s a joke to call me clingy? You’re such a jerk all the time! When you say things like that it makes me think we should just break up
****End****
Often the wrong words.
Received 08/12/10 at 9:26pm
Do you want to break up?
****End****
And because you’re texting instead of talking, you can’t very easily backtrack and explain yourself. That kind of thing is better done in person.
Sent 08/12/10 at 9:28pm
…we should talk later
****End****
As you can imagine, there isn’t usually a positive response to this.
Received 08/12/10 at 9:32pm
I don’t think there’s anything left to say.
****End****
And that is how one moves very quickly from a text-message argument to a text-message breakup.
5. Old people will win.
The greatest generation thinks very poorly of us. They think that we’re overly dependent on technology.
Sent 08/10/10 at 12:18pm
Why do you always take so long to text me back???
****End****
They think that computers and the internet have invaded every aspect of our lives and made us dumber.
Sent 08/13/10 at 6:24pm
WTF make us facebook official!
****End****
They think that we can’t engage in normal social interaction.
Sent 08/12/10 at 10:11pm
If you don’t come hang out with me now you obv don’t care about me.
****End****
Let’s not prove those toothless b****es right.
Just understand that a real argument has a purpose. A real fight serves to get your complaints out in the open so that you and your man can work together to solve whatever is wrong. And that solution is much harder to come to when you have to wait a few minutes for a response text.
Something else you need to understand: My phone = brick. And seeing you let your crazy loose via text message makes me feel like a 90s supermodel with anger issues.
Although, to be fair, I feel like a 90s supermodel with anger issues most of the time anyway.