We need to talk.
It’s nothing too serious. It’s just that lately I’ve noticed that you seem a little, shall we say, tense.
It’s really just some little things. Like when you speak, your voice sounds really anxious and unsteady. You’ve also been a little short-tempered. And then when we went to see Twilight: Eclipse a few weeks ago you dug your nails into the armrest the second that brooding hunk of teenage, lupine sexuality came on the screen and starting moaning a “take me now” over and over. I had to get two ushers to help me remove you at the end of the movie. You ripped off most of the upholstery.
You can be honest with me–it’s been a while, hasn’t it?
Don’t worry. There’s no shame in it. Sometimes it’s just poor circumstances–lack of quality men, the looming threat of swine flu, the endorsement of abstinence from celebrity trendsetters like the Jonas Brothers and Jesus Christ. Contrary to popular belief, getting a man into bed isn’t always as easy as asking nicely and flashing some boob.
I know it’s tough during these times. An afternoon at the pool or beach can be torture, watching all of the tanned, buff jocks splash around in the water, the sun glistening off their rock-hard pecs. Maybe a few are playing a game of beach volleyball, muscles tensing with each volley, set, and spike. And then when it’s time for the next serve, the dark-haired one might lean over just the right amount to show off that marvelous backside, an ass so fine, so deliciously juicy that you wonder if God himself didn’t shape it, once finished proclaiming for all to hear, “Behold the glory young mortals! Behold!”
Anyway, I know it can be tough.
But just because you’re currently without does not mean you can lose your humanity to the overwhelming sexual frustration. There are plenty of young Americans who have spent countless months, nay, years without the warm touch of another body pressed against theirs. And, save the ones who invest in blow-up dolls and pleasure-bot technology, they get along just fine.
What you need are some healthy ways to work through your unfulfilled sexual energy. Give any of these methods a try and hopefully your dry spell will seem a bit more bearable.
1. Get serious about sports
Can’t have sex? Why not fill the void with the next closest thing?
No, I didn’t mean it like that. You should be very picky about what you choose to fill your void with.
I mean sports. An hour or so of getting intense and sweaty with other people will help burn off that furious sexual tension. Spend a hot day handling balls and you won’t even have the energy, let alone the desire, to handle them at night.
Just make sure to choose a sport other than golf. Apparently golf is one of the few sports that not only doesn’t curb your sexual appetite in the least, but may also in fact put you even more in the mood.
If I had to guess, I’d say it was those visors they wear. I can’t tell you how many uniform fantasies I’ve had that included those visors. And very little else.
2. Think of all the money you’re saving
Time for a little math lesson, chickadees. Let’s get out a pen and paper and start to add it up, shall we?
Condoms + Birth Control + Lube (for when BAC is high and natural lubrication is poor) + Morning After Pill (for when BAC is high and judgment is poor) + Extra Trips to the Dry Cleaners (for when BAC is high and aim is poor) + Occasional STI Screenings = A Moodkiller
I’m sure all my Jewesses out there can appreciate this one. Having a sex life in the current economic climate might be a little more than most can afford. Take comfort in the fact that your testosterone-starved existence is very fiscally sound.
3. Cut out the chick flicks
When you’re thirsting for a man, watching a romantic comedy is probably one of the worst things you can do. You may argue that it helps distract you from your own situation. You may say that getting wrapped up in the love of the two characters on screen helps to temporarily fulfill the need in your own life for a strapping young chap.
But here’s the truth: Watching a romantic comedy only subjects you to an hour or so of watching the mounting sexual tension between two very attractive people until all of that tension is released in an explosive (and carefully choreographed) sexual encounter. And by the end of it, you only find yourself feeling more tense and wondering where your own explosive (and carefully choreographed) sexual encounter is.
My advice: distract yourself with mindless action films. Gratuitous explosions and battle scenes really take the edge off.
Honestly, there’s a reason so many virgins play Starcraft.
4. Focus on the ugly truths.
Right now you are just desperate for some nookie because you’re only thinking of the hot, sexy benefits–the therapeutic warmth of a strong male body, the varying amounts of physical pleasure, the tousled hair that no salon can duplicate.
But it’s easy to romanticize something when you’ve gone so long without it. That’s how someone decided a Melrose Place remake would be a good idea.
You need to take a minute and think about some of the other consequences that you’d forgotten about. You know, fun things like urinary tract infections. And walks of shame. And yeast infections. And pregnancy scares. And STI scares. And the mess. And the smells. And the discomfort. And the morning after. And the possibility of a leaked sex tape. And–most of all–sex that’s just plain bad.
If you’re still in the mood after thinking about all of that, then there’s only one other thing I can think of for you to do…
5. Spread the joy.
If nothing else has worked, if after everything you’ve tried you still feel angry, irritable, and mildly unhinged from the intense need overcoming your fragile young body, you really only have one option.
Make everyone around you feel about the same.
Yes, there’s nothing like some schadenfreude to brighten up even the most painful of situations. See your suitemate talking to a cute guy at a party? Fake an emergency and make her take you home. Know your roommate probably wants the room later for some fun with her boyfriend? Invite all of your friends over for a Disney cartoon musical sing-along. By the end of it, you’ll have so many partners in sexlessness that you could start a book club to keep your mind off it.
I hope my advice has helped. I want you to heed my words and do your best to get through this little recession.
Although don’t you ever try to pull that last one on me, or else I’ll have another math lesson for you. Only this one will go more like:
Scott + Cockblocked = You – Everything You’ve Ever Loved
That’s one lesson you should really make sure to remember for the test.