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Her Gay Best Friend: No Strings Attached – Criteria for Choosing Your Hump Buddy

Dear Natalie Portman’s character in that movie with Ashton Kutcher or Mila Kunis’s character in what looks to be a very similar movie with Justin Timberlake,

We need to talk.

I understand that, for a busy individual like yourself, relationships might involve more time and effort than you can manage. God knows that between classes, clubs, applications, and internships, I’ve barely had time to meet any men, let alone waste an hour or two charming one before I can coax him out of his pants. Indeed, it’s gotten to the point where I’m just waiting until I’ve padded my resume enough so that I can make love to it.

But I haven’t reached that point yet.

Anyhow, I can see how you might find the idea of a “friend with benefits” (or “hump buddy”) enticing. Finally, you can have relief for all of those irksome bodily urges without any of the messy components of a traditional relationship, like anniversaries and guilt. And just think of all the time and money you won’t lose trying to pick up men at the bars, when a night of passionately satisfactory naked-time is but a text message away.

Yes, a hump buddy can be the perfect arrangement for the girl looking for a “relationship” without the H-I-P. But based on those two-minute trailers of yours that essentially give away the entire movie, it seems that there’s a very real danger that your CUM-panion might accidentally evolve into a — dare I say — boyfriend. And where’s the fun in that?

So if you want to play it like ‘N SYNC and make sure there are no strings attached, ask yourself the following questions before choosing your late-night man friend.

Is he in the same boat as me?

Schedule full with grad apps, internships, and stripping five nights a week to pay off your student loans? Well then you’d do best to find a man who is in the same position. Because if he’s got a little too much free time to play around with, he might just spend that free time pining after you. And then it won’t be long before you find that the ship you’re sailing on is none other than the Love Boat.

Can I talk to him for more than five minutes without getting bored?

In a healthy, stable relationship, there should be open communication between the two people involved. You should feel comfortable saying almost anything in front of your man, and genuinely enjoy the sometimes deep, sometimes light-hearted conversations you two share.

You don’t want any of that right now. This isn’t a relationship. You should only be appreciating his mouth for one thing, and it ain’t talking.

Well, actually I guess it would be more like two things. Three things, maybe, if you do that other thing, but I think that’s kind of gross. There isn’t enough Listerine in the world that would make it okay to kiss a mouth after it does that.

Can he commit to this non-relationship?

No, you’re not dating, and thus cheating isn’t technically a factor in this arrangement. But that isn’t to say that monogamy isn’t possible — and even preferred — when you’re bangin’ a dude on the regular.

Assuming you learned something from all of those Health class quizzes back in high school, you’ll still be using condoms every time. But God (and probably Britney) knows that certain unwanted nastiness doesn’t pay much mind to condoms. And if you’re the only buddy being humped, then it’s far less likely that you’ll end up with a Maryland delicacy in your special area.

Is he good at what he does?

Perhaps the most important criterion is also the most obvious: You should like it. What’s the use of a dull and emotionally unavailable man if he doesn’t make up for it with some quality hip action?

Yes, choose wisely, and you could find your way to true non-love. And isn’t that what every young woman wishes for at one time or another?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go update my resume, if you know what I mean.

Your GBF,

Scott

Scott Rosenfeld is a junior at Carnegie Mellon University pursuing a double major in Professional Writing and Psychology. Originally from the D.C metropolitan area, Scott grew up with a great passion for the written word. From the time he first read Dr. Seuss, he realized the overwhelming power of human language, as well as the limitless joy of making up words for the sake of rhyme. On campus, Scott keeps busy working as the prose editor for the Oakland Review Literary Journal and an editor for the Thought: Undergraduate Research Journal. He was also recently elected to the position of editor-in-chief for The Cut, Carnegie Mellon’s music magazine, for which he has worked as the copy manager for the past year. As editor-in-chief, he hopes to buy all of his staff a thneed. Because a thneed, he feels, is something that everyone needs.
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