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Sex + Relationships

Her Gay Best Friend: The Halloween Walk of Shame

What’s up sugar babies?

As you might know, I’ve been the resident gay best friend at Her Campus for almost a year now, offering witty, humor-laden advice to the female populace that somehow relates to my sexual orientation. And, in that capacity, I believe that I have served well.

But there is an inherent flaw with my advice that has been brought to my attention. It’s too general. Sure, I can dish out a quip telling a girl to be more trusting of her boyfriend or more adventurous with bedroom props , but that girl will be less likely to take that advice if she doesn’t realize that she’s the one I’m speaking to.

To address this issue, the founders and I have instituted this: a blog in which I will not only dish out key advice to the girls who need it, but be painfully specific to ensure that the girls will undoubtedly realize that my words are aimed at them.

And now, the inaugural post. I’ll keep it short since you’ve beared with me this long already:

Dear Girl Who Went Home With That Guy After the Halloween Party,

We need to talk.

I can only imagine how you prepared for this night — brainstorming for weeks to make sure you figured out the perfect costume idea; looking through your besties’ closets for just the right top-and-leggings combo to convey your theme; picking out just the right brassiere to make sure your puppies would win best in show — all so that you would provoke exactly the right response when you walked into the party on Saturday night.

And your efforts didn’t go unnoticed. Men flocked to you like prosti-tots to a Justin Bieber concert the second you entered the room, allowing you to have your pick among the drooling selection.

But when you wake up tomorrow morning next to what appears to be The Zombie Situation, I think you might wish that you’d gone in a different direction costume-wise. Sure, you get a great response when you walk into a party, but I think the barely-there lycra shorts and your gold-painted torso from your Academy Award outfit might have a slightly different effect on the walk back home.

Next year, if you have a craving for some Halloween treats that go beyond the standard bite-size Twix, I suggest you take it back to your place. Or at least wear a costume that has layers to allow for coverage.

I vote Cho Chang. There’s nothing sexier than opening up a wizarding robe to reveal a cut-out school-girl uniform.

Just a suggestion.

Your GBF,

Scott

Scott Rosenfeld is a junior at Carnegie Mellon University pursuing a double major in Professional Writing and Psychology. Originally from the D.C metropolitan area, Scott grew up with a great passion for the written word. From the time he first read Dr. Seuss, he realized the overwhelming power of human language, as well as the limitless joy of making up words for the sake of rhyme. On campus, Scott keeps busy working as the prose editor for the Oakland Review Literary Journal and an editor for the Thought: Undergraduate Research Journal. He was also recently elected to the position of editor-in-chief for The Cut, Carnegie Mellon’s music magazine, for which he has worked as the copy manager for the past year. As editor-in-chief, he hopes to buy all of his staff a thneed. Because a thneed, he feels, is something that everyone needs.
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