Dear Santa,
We need to talk.
First things first, I’m going to come clean. I don’t want this conversation to be marred by dishonesty like an episode of Brothers and Sisters, where the writers pretend that Calista Flockhart is attractive enough to get cute Starbucks baristas into bed. I’m not one for pretending.
So here goes: I’m Jewish.
Yes, I know. I already had my eight days of riotous candle-lighting and endless fun with a wooden spinning top. But little Jewish boys have wishes too, wishes so big that they might need a little bit of Santa’s magic to come true. And so, it is with urgency and the promise of holiday-themed cookies that I come to you in this hour of need.
There is only one thing that I want for Christmas, just one thing that I didn’t find waiting for me under the Chanukah bush. I’m not asking for a shiny new computer, nor am I requesting hair products that will give me a manageable coif without causing my hair to fall out in chunks. No, this is something simple, something that won’t cost you and your team of tiny indentured servants a penny.
I want a drama-free semester.
I know it might be tough for you to manage, Santa, but please try. For my last four months of my college career, I just want for everyone to get along without the kind of antics that you’d find on the CW network. This drama includes, but is not limited to:
- Friends sleeping with friends’ boyfriends
- Friends talking about sleeping with friends’ boyfriend
- Friends lying about sleeping with friends’ boyfriends
- Friends worrying they might be pregnant
- Friends actually getting pregnant
- Friends asking me what they should do now that they’re pregnant
- Friends staying with their emotionally abusive boyfriends
- Friends thinking about marrying their emotionally abusive boyfriends
- Friends asking me if that article I wrote was about them and their emotionally abusive boyfriends
- Friends sleeping with inappropriate people
- Friends sleeping with inappropriate people that I also happen to be friends with
- Friends making me choose between friends after having inappropriately slept with each other
- Friends breaking up with their boyfriends
- Friends getting back together with their boyfriends
- Friends re-breaking up with their boyfriends after getting back together
- Friends forming drug habits
- Friends pressuring other friends to form drug habits
- Friends getting expelled because of their drug habits
- Friends gaining a bunch of weight
- Friends crying about gaining a bunch of weight
- Friends talking behind friends’ backs after they gain a bunch of weight
- Propositions for sex from women
I think you get the idea, Santa.
I know it might be too big of a wish to fit in your sleigh, but I ask that you do everything in your power to make it come true. I need this last semester to be one we can all look back on with fondness and mild sexual arousal. I’m willing to wait if you can‘t get it done tonight. The semester doesn’t start for a few weeks, so you can take some extra time if you need to rest after hauling your sack up and down chimneys. And if the answer’s “no,” if you can’t grant my Christmas wish, then I’ll understand.
I’ll understand that you’re an anti-Semitic slave driver who works those elves to the bone and forces a team of underfed reindeer to haul your fat ass through the freezing winter sky, yet still can’t get a job done right because he’s too busy gorging himself on cookies. And I’ll make sure that all those children who write to you understand it too.
Don’t mess with me, Santa. I have no patience for incompetence.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas, a Quality Kwanzaa, and a Happy New Year.
Your GBF,
Scott
P.S.- Is global warming having any effect on you guys up there at the North Pole? I’d love to throw those elves a pool party.