Firsts are freaky, but they don’t have to be. In Her Campus’ series My First Time, we’re answering the burning questions you might be uncomfortable asking about IRL. In this article, we tackle introducing bondage in the bedroom for the first time.
Most people are living with a sexual desire or two that they’ve condemned to fantasy. But, as much as your One Direction fan fiction still hits the spot after a decade, you can only live vicariously through Y/N for so long.
Learning to embrace your sexual preferences can feel like a lifelong journey of unlearning societally imposed shame surrounding sex and pleasure. And, expressing these desires to a partner can feel like you’re laying spread eagle, but like, emotionally. It may feel safer to settle into a comfortable sex life; however, an unhealthy attachment to comfortability can leave you feeling trapped in routine. Well, bestie, the way out of a mental trap might be through the physical. Please welcome your new best friend, bondage.
OK, but slow down. I know what you’re thinking, But, it’s not all 50 Shades Of Grey. It’s more like 50 shades of gray area. Bondage can be anything from hands to ropes to handcuffs, or even something entirely mental like edging.
But, before you whip out the handcuffs, it’s important to know that bondage necessitates honest communication, boundaries, and safety protocol; it’s not just something you can tie yourself right into. That’s why I’ve spoken to sex therapist, Brittany Steffen, and sex educator, Catie Osborn, who can show you the ropes.
So, what is bondage?
First, let’s reel it back a bit and unpack what bondage really entails. “Bondage is a consensual and erotic practice involving the use of restraints to enhance pleasure and intimacy,” Steffen tells Her Campus. In her words, bondage is an opportunity to “explore power dynamics in a safe and consensual manner.”
It sounds quite simple in theory, but living in a culture that condemns sexual exploration can make it difficult to express these interests. But, there are a few foolproof ways to broach the subject naturally to a partner. “Choose a relaxed moment, outside the bedroom, let them know you want to talk about something a little vulnerable, and ask for what you need,” Steffen says. “Share fantasies and be as detailed as possible- describe your ideal sexual scenario from start to finish, to aftercare — take it one step at a time, focusing on comfort and mutual consent.”
If taking such a direct approach feels too daunting, feel free to introduce the subject more passively by directing them to this article! (Hey there!)
First, Tie up loose ends with your partner.
Now that you’ve opened the door to the conversation about bondage, and your partner might feel a little reluctant, perhaps you can talk about why bondage might enhance your pleasure in the bedroom. “For instance, you might say ‘I’d like you to tie me up because it’d give me the ability to not worry about what my body is doing and instead focus on the sensations of pleasure I’m experiencing,’” Osborn says.
Being clear about why you have a desire may also prevent your partner from interpreting the conversation as a complaint about their current sexual performance. “Open the discussion to questions, as your partner may not have much information about your sexual interest, and furthermore, may have received misinformation and formed negative connotations about the activity as a result,” says Steffen. If you can’t already tell, communication is number one!
Enthusiastic consent from all parties involved means that it’s time for the sexiest foreplay of all: research. “I know it can be frustrating to hear ‘You have to do some research before you jump into this new, sexy activity,’” says Osborn. “But, the truth is, bondage even something as simple as tying your partner’s wrists with some fuzzy handcuffs, can carry a lot of risk if you aren’t safe about it.” Even just reading up on a bondage safety article can teach you how to experiment while mitigating risk.
Remember that safety and consent Come First.
Movies, media, and male-pleasure-centered porn have conditioned many of us to assume bondage is exclusively rough and extreme, but ”tying things too tightly or putting ropes in the wrong place can result in cut-off circulation or nerve damage,” Osborn tells Her Campus. Let’s try to keep the ER interactions contained to roleplay.
The most critical safety tip is a “safe word” that puts an immediate end to the action being performed. Consent is fluid and revocable at any time, meaning there must be a prearranged, clear queue shared between you to ensure that boundaries are respected. “Many bondage enthusiasts like to use the ‘traffic light’ system in which red means ‘stop,’ yellow means ‘we need to check in/fix something,’ and green means ‘more, please!” says Osborn. This system is also a simple way to gauge your partner’s pleasure when exploring new techniques.
FInally, get ready to play.
Having safety mechanisms in place allows you to open the door to endless exploration in the realm of bondage—and it doesn’t even need to be an expensive new hobby. “A great way to test the waters is to simply use what is sometimes called ‘mental bondage,’” Osborn tells Her Campus. “Place your partner’s hands or feet where you want them, and tell them not to move. This becomes an exercise in self-control and submission, which can be really sexy for some!”
If and when you are feeling ready to introduce the physical element, Steffen and Osborn recommend trying leather handcuffs, velcro restraints, ropes, or even your hands. “Explore sensory play with blindfolds, feathers, or ice. Experiment with different textures and materials for restraints. Introduce role-playing scenarios or use erotic literature as inspiration,” says Steffen. So, you might be getting restricted, but your options for bondage certainly won’t be.
When it comes to bondage, it really is just an exploration of power dynamics and pleasure. So, ditch all of the pseudo-studying you did on PornHub and tap into what gets you excited. As long as you keep an open streamline of communication with your partner(s) and maintain a hardwired safety plan, you can use this opportunity to shamelessly indulge in your curiosities. Let that freak flag fly, Y/N.