Got a burning love life q? Consult our Real Live College Guy (he also goes by Chase). Each month, our RLCG will take you inside the college guy’s brain to demystify your tricky, sticky, icky love (can you even call it that?) situations.
Ready? Here goes!
Do guys kiss and tell? Who are they telling? And how much do they spill? –Curious at Colgate
RLCG: Yes, but don’t girls kiss and tell too? Everyone tells their very best friends, but we need to explore the other people and ways that guys tell. Now you have to think about how you would react to a “kiss.” If he was ugly or a mistake, you would tell no one, but those closest to you, whom you know would not judge. Same applies for guys. Generally, the very first question a girl typically asks about their girlfriend’s hook-up is “How’d it happen,” while a guy’s first question is “Was she hot?” So it is very important for guys to maintain their masculinity by only talking about hooking up with attractive girls, while girls may just enjoy telling the story. Some, if not most, guys will not tell anyone if you are not attractive enough and it is more than likely that most hook-ups go entirely unheard. If you are quite the looker, no detail is spared with close friends—ranging from the position to the shape of your tongue. With other less close guy friends, such as frat buddies or teammates, they may only spill that it happened, who/how hot you are, and how far you got. Guys, again sadly, base a lot of their respect of other guys on an unspoken quality/quantity girl competition. It is something all guys have in common and can easily bond over, so next time you are with a guy think about what he would say about the experience.
I met this guy at a party, and he seemed like a really nice guy so I ended up giving him my number even though I wasn’t that into him. Now he asked me out to dinner and a movie next weekend. I’m not interested in him, so I don’t want to send him the wrong message by going out with him, but I also don’t want to turn him down and come off as a you-know-what. What should I do? –Disinterested at Dartmouth
RLCG: Actually, D.A.D., I do not know what people would call you for telling someone you can’t do a movie. I can, however, think of five or six things they would call you if you did go out with him even though you weren’t interested. Either way though, don’t lead the guy on.
First, you need to establish what your objective is: Do you want to be friends? Do you want to be pursued? Or do you want him to just go away? If friends is the answer (as I am sensing), getting into the friend zone right off can be tricky. The key is not to flirt. The best thing to do is to say that you are too busy for a dinner and a movie, but maybe something else later. Do not start long text/gchat/email chains. Keep things short, like you would with a normal friend. Make sure there is a long time period (a couple weeks) between the conversation and the meeting.
Incorporate into the first conversation (i.e., at this first meal) a question about his love life. Don’t ask if he’s single, but ask him directly who he is interested in and if you might know her? He will likely make up some nonsense about not finding anyone, at which point you then start suggesting friends of yours who you “think” he would go well with. I think you know where I am going with this. When he asks you, don’t be rude and say you have an army of boys around you, but make it clear that you are looking into other people. Of course, guys don’t read signals well. Ever. They really enjoy making things up in their heads, especially ones with confidence like he seems to have. So he will undoubtedly ask you out again after this meal. That’s when again you say, “I am busy then, but maybe another time, I’ll let you know.” A couple weeks down the road, suggest the same setting as last time. DO NOT PROGRESS. If you progress from a coffee to a dinner for instance, he will think you are interested in something more than just friends. Keep this up until it becomes very clear that it is not going to work out. Hope this helps.