I publicly came out as polyamorous in October 2021 after months of remaining in silence. I inherently knew I was polyamorous before I understood there was a word for it. And perhaps finding the right word — and then saying it — was the hardest part. This has always been, and always will be, the way I orient to relationships.
Polyamory (or poly for short) is “a lifestyle in which an individual may have more than one concurrent romantic, sexual, or emotionally committed relationship, with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved,” as written in Open Access Journal of Addiction and Psychology. For example, someone might be dating multiple people or balancing several intimate partnerships at once to a degree that traditional monogamy would not support. Poly has less to do with how relationships are structured and more to do with the value an individual places onto connections.
I first came across the term “polyamory” at the start of lockdown over social media. Upon hearing about it, it was like I was seeing a piece of my identity that I simply couldn’t unsee. It was there — and always would be — whether I liked it or not. Discovering polyamory was like finding the missing piece to explain parts of my life story. The more I learned about polyamory, the more I could see it in the little girl inside of me, until I realized that polyamory was always how I had been orienting.
Sharing my story
Recognizing my identity was one thing and having the strength to come out and say, “This is my orientation. I have always been this way. I will always be this way,” was another. I chose to come out on my 24th birthday. The timing felt right, as I was riding the feel-good waves of confidence that came along with it. To my surprise, everyone handled it very well. I don’t think the news came as any surprise to anyone who is close to me, as polyamory fits very well into my personality. If anyone has had any negative judgements about it, they’ve certainly kept them to themselves.
Over time, I began to find more and more value in sharing my story. Polyamory has been an exploration — of finding myself. My values. My desires. On communication and inner child healing and self-expression and embodiment. Of colorful sexuality. It’s inspired me to step more fully into myself and let go of the masks I no longer feel comfortable wearing. It’s allowed me to grieve pieces of me that could’ve been — but simply aren’t. I feel a much greater sense of peace now due to the internal and external congruence I can now experience in my everyday life.
One of my biggest fears in “coming out” was that my friends would assume I thought we were in a relationship that wasn’t mutually agreed upon. For example, it’s relatively common and normal to tell your friends you love them. I didin’t want my friends to think that when I told them I loved them that I thought we were dating. At the same time, I do believe that I structure relationships and connections differently than my friends who come from a traditionally monogamous mindset. When I tell my friends I love them, I mean it deeply.
Since coming out as polyamorous, I’ve accepted a position working as a group dating coach and workshop facilitator for the Dating to Get Married program. The skills, lessons, and self-awareness polyamory has taught me allows me to pass these lessons onto other people — even if they desire a monogamous relationship structure. I love love, I love relationships, and I love people.
what is polyamory?
The meaning polyamory holds varies from person to person because it is such an individual experience. There are nearly an infinite number of ways polyamorous relationships can unfold. Because of that, reaching a specific definition can be tricky as it is both unique to the individual and the specific relationships they have and desire at the time.
Some consider polyamory to be an inborn orientation (as do I). Others explain it as more of a conscious lifestyle choice, with some reasons being more temporary than others. In an article for the University of Cincinnati Law Review, Ann E. Tweedy writes that including polyamory into the bucket of sexual orientations could be a slippery slope as not everyone who participates in it considers it their orientation. Describing polyamory as a sexual orientation could undermine the definition of identity in and of itself. Many polyamorous individuals say this lifestyle plays into their values system, implying that it is at least to some degree, a conscious decision.
Perhaps a more appropriate way to describe polyamory is that it is a relational orientation rather than a sexual one. “Because polyamory appears to be at least moderately embedded as an identity,” Tweedy argues, “because polyamorists face considerable discrimination, and because non-monogamy is an organizing principle of inequality in American culture, anti-discrimination protections for polyamorists are warranted.” Defining polyamory on an orientation level might provide polyamorous individuals with more legal and societal protection, as it is still relatively “taboo” to both talk about and practice.
What Polyamorous Relationships (Might) Look like
The beautiful (and potentially confusing) thing about polyamory is there are nearly an infinite number of ways it unfolds. The number, form, and meaning relationships have evolved as we learn more about ourselves and go on our own personal journeys on the individual, relational, and collective levels. Different relationships serve to meet different needs, and different partners bring different gifts to the table — just as we do for them.
Oftentimes, polyamorous individuals balance multiple relational containers at once. For example, a vee-style relationship occurs when one person is dating two separate partners and the two partners do not consider themselves in a partnership together. Both relationships have their own distinct container. Another example of a polyamorous relationship is a triad. This style of relationship also involves three people, but the three people consider themselves to all be in one partnership together.
As NYC-based relationship, sex, and mental health therapist Rachel Wright tells me, polyamorous relationships do not have to be stuck in a solid, unchanging container. “Our friendships vary from person to person — the interests we share, the things we talk about, what we do together, how much time we spend together, the emotional commitment and investment — we are all used to having multiple relationships. Not all relationships have to live inside of a container — for example, I’m in a non-hierarchical polycule and while each one-to-one relationship has its own option for containers (during dates, etc.), we all share so much between the four of us.”
A metamour is the term to describe your partner’s partner(s). It’s not uncommon, and often encouraged, for metamours to get to know each other in some capacity regardless of relationship system. The people with whom your partner is in partnership with are important individuals to them, and understanding these people will deepen your ability to understand and support your partner. It also helps you see where you fit into the equation. As Lauren Ellington writes in the Poly Coach, “The health and depth of any relationship you are in will be in direct proportion to the level of authentic communication. The more people involved, the more communication is required.” Although whether you meet and develop a relationship with metamours is somewhat of a personal preference, it’s a lot easier to navigate through challenges when everyone is on the same page.
Jelousy and ego identity concerns are almost guaranteed to arise in polyamorous relationships. As Franklin Veaux writes for More Than Two, “Jealousy is not the problem; jealousy is the symptom of the problem… the trick to making a poly relationship work is to make everyone involved feel secure, valued, and loved.” Perhaps it sounds counterintuitive, but from personal experience, these so-perceived struggles are actually where the gold of polyamory lives. As I begin to recognize who other people are, it inspires me to more fully find and embody myself. I will always be who I am and I will never be anyone else. I do not have to pretend I am someone whom I am not. There is a reason why people love me, and that is because I am uniquely individual.
If I believe my partner’s relationship with or feelings towards another person negates the love we share, that’s simply not true. It also comes from a scarcity mindset. There’s a term used within the community called “compersion,” a form of empathy that involves “turn[ing] jealousy’s negative feelings into acceptance of, and vicarious enjoyment for, a lover’s joy,” as explained by Anderlini-D’onofrio in Plural Loves: Designs for Bi and Poly Living. Compersion is essentially the opposite of jealousy. It’s the process of alchemizing negative energy within jealousy into something that can be used for self-exploration and expansion.
Some individuals practice what is known as “solo poly” in which they identify as being polyamorous, but prefer to consider themselves “solo” regardless of partnership status. It’s important to note that polyamorous individuals can find themselves incidentially single or in relationship with only one other person from time to time and might appear “monogomous” or “single” to the outside world. Regardless of partnership status — someone can still identify as polyamorous.
“Polyamory feels like the authentic expression of my personal values,” Ashlynn, 25, a femme-identifying individual practicing polyamory in Denver, Colorado, tells Her Campus. “My husband and I prefer to use the term ‘ethically non-monogamous’ to explain our lifestyle. Even though ethical non-monogamy is typically used as an umbrella term, we feel it’s the easiest and safest way to express the joy we find in sharing many different types of love.”
identifying as polyamorous
Growing up in Boulder, Colorado, a city known as being one of the most progressive, liberal cities in the United States, I’d always thought of my community as being one of the most accepting and open-minded places to grow up. Even then, polyamory was something I was never exposed to. I was also raised in a Christian family where anything but monogamy was considered taboo. I didn’t think for myself, and by the time I was 18, I found myself cheating on a partner for the first time. I have a rather creative mind. I love people. I love getting to know their character. Once someone is in my life, they will always be there. I feel an innate desire to form experiences with people on different levels based on who they are and what they mean to me (in a mutually desired and communicated way).
It wasn’t until later in college that I was exposed to the idea of a three-person relationship. At the time, I didn’t know how to respond as it was something I had never been exposed to. I was familiar with “casual dating” outside of the context of committed partnerships. I was familiar with threesomes and FWB but those relationships seemed solely sexual in nature. They were not partnerships. Polyamory became something that fascinated me.
When I meet someone, I’m curious about how I can integrate them into the story of my life rather than have them fit a specific role. I explain it like this — whereas some people have a football team of relationship structures (ie: one marital partner, a group of work friends, two siblings), I see every person as a star in my galaxy. The way our relationship unfolds depends on the level of the connection we share, how (and if) we choose to define our connection, and the work we put into conscious co-creation. Our connection matters more to me than the specific words we use to describe ourselves.
When I go on dating sites, I don’t approach people with a strict expectation of what I want our relationship to “look” like. I see every date as an opportunity to form a connection with another human, whether our connection ends up being more playful, lighthearted, and fun, or turning into a more intimate and long-term romantic partnership. I don’t see a cap on the number of relationships I can hold, although I do recognize that some relationships are meant to last longer than others. I may feel more attracted to someone for a variety of reasons — and likewise with them towards me. If we do not choose to form a partnership, it is not a threat to my ego.
Just as how the ancient Greeks express there are different forms of love, such as eros (romantic) and philautia (self-love), I acknowledge certain connections take shape for a variety of reasons. People are in our lives to teach us lessons, help us unlock our gifts, discover ourselves, and make life more meaningful. Different partnerships serve to meet different needs.
Perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions about poly is that people practicing it are commitment avoidant. I argue that since I have begun embracing my polyamorous identity, my relationships express a far deeper level of commitment. The way a polyamorous relationship unfolds is completely based on what feels mutually authentic and appropriate. My partners and I consciously decide whether or not we want to co-create a relationship or let single experiences stand alone. Our relationship is 100% up to us. Our commitment need not fit a preconceived notion or societal standard. At the same time, I will never condone monogamy and do not believe polyamory is superior to it. If I oriented as monogamous, I would happily practice it. But I do not orient that way, and poly is not for everyone.
Related: 4 reasons you’re ready for an open relationship
practicing poly
Polyamorous relationships are built off of a framework of active consent, communication, and self-awareness. I once heard someone say that poly is like shining a flashlight to your deepest wounds, and for me, that is absolutely true. Far beyond a sexual or romantic identity, polyamory has shed light onto my deepest insecurities, quirks, passions, triggers, and the strongest parts of myself. This light has also brought aspects of my shadow self to the surface.
The more “me” I become, the more of me there is to love. This love translates into everything I do, because my love is the authentic expression of the divine energy flowing in me. My relationships help me unlock this energy. My unique personality and life story gives shape to the human body I live in. Relationships trigger me to embody these qualities more fully.
A common misconception about poly is that polyamorous individuals only practice it to sleep around with a bunch of people. Ironically, I’m far less sexually active than I was prior to coming out. I believe this is in part due to the fact that I feel more secure within myself and place less emphasis on “finding” the right partner. I let experiences take shape as what feels aligned. I also feel a lot more comfortable having sexual experiences and letting them stand alone as one-time experiences.
Polyamory helps me better understand myself, step into my power, and practice giving and receiving. It has helped me get to know my own version of the divine feminine. It has grown my communication skills and tested my boundaries. It puts my core values of integrity, love, and respect to the test on a daily basis. Poly helps me remain accountable for my actions free of external influence, reminds me of my interconnectedness, and teaches me the qualities of generosity, compassion, forgiveness, and self-awareness.
If you think you might be polyamorous or are questioning opening up your relationship, I recommending stepping out of your mind and into your body. What feels most authentic? How would it feel to share yourself with multiple people? Where are you meeting resistance, and where is this resistance coming from? Reflect on past relationships and desires. Sit with yourself. There is no shame in seeing how polyamory feels and then deciding to step back into monogamy if you realize polyamory does not feel true to you.
Resources
- A list of polyamory-friendly therapists in the US.
- When Someone You Love is Polyamorous: A great starting book for anyone curious about non-monogamy or who wants to open up to friends and family.
- F*ck Like a Goddess: A book on claiming your individuality and embodying your feminine.
- @polyamory_awareness on Instagram shares both lighthearted memes and educational content. They also host a Discord group.
- @polyamory_qa on Instagram answers anonymous questions regarding polyamory.