Her Story: My Boyfriend Raped Me Repeatedly

I was in denial during the whole relationship.  Who wants to think that they are being sexually and emotionally abused in their first relationship?  Who wants to think that their first boyfriend raped them?  As I'm typing this, I realize that according to Tennessee's law concerning rape, I have no idea how many times he raped me, and retribution is not an option anymore.  It basically says any form of penetration that is gained by means of force or coercion is rape. I think that to a certain extent, I recognized what happened at the time.  I became depressed.  I came to hate him.  I hated his laugh, his smile, his attitude, and that look more than anything, and yet I still loved him somehow. He never had vaginal sex with me again. I think he just looked at it as a conquest, and after I was conquered, he was fine without it.  Or maybe I just really freaked him out.  He hadn't used a condom, and I had just started the Pill.  I freaked out about the possibility of pregnancy and kept pushing it for weeks until he took me seriously.  Then, he started talking about an abortion.  Maybe after all of that, he realized that sex with me wasn't worth it.  Maybe my going psycho in his eyes saved me from it being as bad as it could have been. I can't even bear to think how many times he would have forced me to have sex with him if I had been able to deal with the stress.

Eventually, I broke up with him.  He didn't even care.  He said our relationship had lost the "new relationship spark."  I think he just never cared much about our relationship or me to begin with.  It meant nothing to him.  I meant nothing to him.  I don't think he ever loved me.  I think he liked my body and what he could do with it; everything else was just what he had to do to get it.

After we broke up, and I suspect while we were dating, he had the nerve to tell people at school, my friends even, that I was a sl*t and easy.   He practically blacklisted me with any guys I may have wanted to date.  Thankfully, at the end of my senior year of high school, I found a guy on the fringes who knew nothing of the rumors.  He was and is one of the nicest guys I've met.  I opened up to him. He's respectful of my wishes.  He's understanding of all of the residual issues.  He's been with me through thick and thin in the years since.

 

When I moved off to college, I finally started dealing with the knowledge of having been used and manipulated, and eventually realizing I was raped, I became severely depressed again.  My grades suffered.  I was crying all of the time and didn't leave my room except for classes and occasionally food.  All of this lasted the entire first semester; it was relentless. It almost ruined my current relationship. My roommate had to move out due to how uncomfortable our room was for her given my constant crying and refusal to go outside. I was even suicidal for a couple of weeks.  Everything was just so overwhelming.  I was at a Top 20 college and having to adjust to the course load and the stress that any normal college student would have to deal with.  On top of it, I was coming to grips with my past and hiding it from my family.  I constantly worried that they would find out.  It seemed like happiness would never be possible again.  The pursuit of happiness was useless.  There seemed to be no way out.  Oddly enough, my boyfriend's views and my respect for them are what really saved me.  I wanted it to be quick, efficient, and painless.  So, I decided I wanted to drink myself into alcohol poisoning.  I figured at least I would enjoy my death, but my boyfriend actually held, maybe still holds, really strong opinions against the consumption of alcohol.  When I talked about it with him, he would always tell me how much it hurt him, just my thinking of leaving him, that he wasn't reason enough for me to want to stay.  I realized that given how much it would hurt him for me to commit suicide to begin with, it would basically be a f*ck you to do it with alcohol, and I respected him too much for that and I never could decide on a back-up option. After lots of counseling and the support of my now fiancé (see awesomely sweet guy above), I've gotten better. 

I've definitely had a few setbacks recently though.  A little while ago, I told my mom what happened, and she encouraged me to tell my dad, which was a terrible idea.  I followed my mom's advice and told my dad.  He just kept asking personal questions and basically said, "I warned you, so it's your fault."   He blamed me, minimized what happened, and minimized what my ex did.  I lost all respect for my dad. Our relationship is permanently damaged.  At this point, I think that's the hardest thing to deal with.  I lost friends because of what my ex said. (I think they lost respect for me because they thought what he said was true.)  I almost lost my future with my fiancé because of how hard it was to deal with my depression. He hated not being able to make me happy and actually got to where he didn't want to talk to me and became immune to my crying because it was so prevalent.  Even now, I worry about losing my future with him, although for entirely different reasons.  It's really hard for him to not exact his own revenge on my ex, but I think I've finally made him realize that I need his support and being in a prison cell isn't very supportive. I almost lost my life.  And now, I have lost my relationship with my father.  I will never look at my dad the same.  Now, he tells me he loves me, and I question it. On the other hand, I feel closer to my mom than I ever have before.  She's supportive of me and, finally, my marriage. I think she looks at me differently, as a stronger person than she knew.  I was raped and abused, and I survived and now I'm telling my story. 

Four years after the rape and abuse, I'm finally accepting what happened to me.  I've never confronted him, although I want to, and I don't talk to him, even in the rare attempts that he's made. I'm still trying to move on.  I'm still getting help.  But I'm in a better place, and I refuse to let him affect my life any more than I can help.