“Ooh. Ahh.”
My eyes squint in judgment and my chin wrinkles as I sink into Aristotle-level thought. Perfecting the dating profile is truly an art.
My beautiful sister met her ridiculously hilarious husband on Tinder. Thus, I place much faith in the “sex” app. Once quarantine began, I took it upon myself to become a master, not of bread-baking or knitting, but rather of dating apps.
This skill was not naturally or easily acquired. I swiped left on hundreds, if not thousands of men who I hoped would woo me. From a fisherman holding a 20-pound dead bass (I’m vegetarian) to the ever-so-toxic shirtless gym pic (I don’t believe in the concept of the gym), I was extremely defeated.
have left all dating apps, hope to meet boys the old fashioned way – enroll to become a nun, be a terrible nun, then become a governess, create a bond with the children who’ll first hate me and then love me after I teach them songs, and then make the hot dad fall in love with me
— chethana (@iamdatemike) November 21, 2020
Even through all the struggles and all the missed connections, I mastered the art. One, if not two budding romances later, I consider myself a Tinder (and even Hinge) queen. While my friends find me crazy for meeting up at the local ice cream shop with a complete stranger (COVID-19 safe, of course), I strategically recognized the benefits: a free cone and a boyfriend prospect. Additionally, COVID weeds out the weak, who refuse to send me their most recent COVID test results. I want a real man who won’t be afraid to show me his COVID-19 test is a big negative.
From ’80s movie marathons to homemade mushroom dinners, I have run the dating gamut. Through this process, I have learned the do’s and don’ts of dating. On the mushroom date, in particular, I painfully learned never to volunteer to cut the onions. My mascara (and my tears) dripped all over his marble kitchen floor. Although my dates often fail and result in a ridiculous story rather than a preferable smooch, my friends trust me as the dating guinea pig.
As the second semester approaches, everyone is lonely. I mean desert-island, out-of-mind lonely. One by one, my friends’ wills are dwindling and to their embarrassment and my amusement, they too are signing up for dating apps.
I’m tasked with creating and editing the profile pages of these newest bachelors and bachelorettes (my best friends). With my — at least — five successful bios, I have some good tips to share that might just help you in your quest for love or just, you know, end loneliness.
Related: Had a Virtual Fling During Quarantine? Here’s How to Move That Relationship Offline
- Charisma is essential
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It’s simple. You need to look fun. I don’t care if you aren’t fun at all. Just embellish.
This can translate to a dance floor moment, a laughing pic, or even a standout outfit. Confidence will emit from the 5.5-inch iPhone screen.
- Friends first
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Place one photo in your profile of you and a friend participating in some sort of activity. On my profile, it’s a pic of me and one of my best girlfriends at the only baseball game I’ve gone to in my 19 years of life. I captioned the photo, “This could be us.” Despite my hatred for physical activity and sports in general, this picture attracts men who desire a partner who’s into sports. Little do they know… I just want a sporty man.
- This isn’t hide and go seek
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Unfortunately, we live in a society that forces us to believe we are not good enough. This translates to hiding, hiding, and more hiding. Ditch the sunglasses, hats, and oversized clothing that can possibly hide the gorgeous face men and women at the other end are searching for. This concept of hiding translates to posing as well. Don’t hide behind friends, walls, or even polls. You must be seen.
- You are the energy you want to attract
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If you want a Ravenclaw nerd, perhaps put on your glasses and emit “nerdy” energy in your profile. In my case, I want a man that can dress. Fashion is essential in my life, and therefore, in my future relationships. If he’s wearing kaikis, he’s simply not worth considering in my book. I utilize images that emulate my desire to be a fashionista, and it attracts men who notice and care about my attention to detail. Sometimes, this just attracts men who wear Yeezys.
- Eye contact. Eye contact. Eye contact.
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When the first image on a profile is of a man’s backside on a mountain, I immediately swipe left. I want to see you! I want to see your face, your eyes. I don’t want to see your back muscles — they certainly won’t maintain a relationship. This concept extends to laughing pictures. If you’re laughing, your eyes should still be somewhat open, maintaining direct contact with your admirers.
- No teeth isn’t cool
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I am guilty of this one myself. After my braces dwindled my self-confidence at the age of 10, I learned to smile without teeth. Girls and women everywhere often smile without teeth to emulate a “cool girl” demeanor. Yet, there’s nothing wrong with a big ole smile. In fact, it radiates optimism.
- Diversify your photos
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You are a diverse person, with diverse communities and diverse interests. Don’t just show yourself as one-sided. Partying is cool and all, but it certainly doesn’t define you. People love finding commonalities as well as stark differences between them and a future friend (or more than a friend).
As sung by the Beatles, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” So whether you want to give these tips to your friends or you need them yourself, remind yourself that this process is far from perfect.
Oftentimes, we don’t actually need help on these apps. Instead, we just need a little hyping up to encourage our attitudes and boost our lowered egos. So, just in case you forgot: you are hot, and anyone would be lucky to have you.