I have always been a serial shopper. Shopping became one of my personality traits. I would look for every and any excuse to buy new clothes. Even when my closet could no longer house the items I already owned, I somehow managed to fit some more in.
About a week ago, I was shopping at one of my favorite retailers, scanning through a section that was once foreign to me – the men’s section. This new routine became a common practice to me as I loved finding new clothes for my boyfriend. I hold satisfaction in finding him a new piece that’ll stand out in his wardrobe.
It all hit me at once. I had completely neglected a part of myself that was once so important and defining. My hobby had merged it’s way into my adoration for my boyfriend. Something that was once a me thing became an us thing. I had lost my independence.
That’s the thing about codependency, it sort of sneaks up on you. One day you’re a single woman living her life, and the next you’re a dedicated girlfriend.
This is no fault of my boyfriend. I’m sure he could write an entire article about how this same process has happened to him also.
The only person responsible for my loss of independence is me. I allowed it to happen.
When looking at the concept of a relationship, many aspects involve compromise and selflessness. As the saying goes, it’s give and take. What happened in my relationship is that we both did too much giving. It brought us to the point of codependency, where we could no longer feel like whole people without one another.
Our hobbies, habits, and quirks meshed together and created this blob of two people trying to fill the space of one. It’s quite an unnatural exchange. We were initially created with two separate bodies, two separate minds, and two separate souls. We had no business trying to make them one.
Codependency is definitely a romance killer in a relationship. In the process of pursuing someone, the most interesting experience is discovering unique parts of the other person – the parts that make them different from ourselves. It’s so ironic how that pursuit completely disappears when you think you know everything about someone.
I’ve discovered that this loss of independence has a lot to do with me, and how I perceive myself. If I felt fully satisfied and complete as an individual, I would be less inclined to merge my identity with my significant other. If I felt like I had enough substance to be enough alone, I would not be compelled to rely on another person to feel complete. I am more insecure than I ever realized. I placed my value as a person in being a good girlfriend.
It can be a difficult thing to be able to sit with yourself and actually be happy. I’m not exactly sure why. For me, my inadequacies and fears caused me to feel like only half a person sometimes. I felt like I needed someone to show my value to. My life became a constant game of show-and-tell. I’d give everything to someone in hopes that they would see and appreciate my value. When they did, I felt like that’s what would make me complete.
When my boyfriend and I discussed this, we had to put more boundaries in place to reclaim our independence. Some of these boundaries looked like more alone time with friends, more time pursuing our own hobbies, and more space to simply be ourselves.
No one can add to your value as a person. I had to get comfortable with the idea of being alone. I had no intention of ending the relationship, but I needed to change my perspective on it and myself. And so did my significant other. It’s not healthy to see yourself through the lense of a fixture of your life. Because that’s all any relationship is, it’s a fixture or an addition to one’s life.
If I took away every relationship, whether romantic or platonic, I would still be just as valuable. We can never just be one thing. We are never just a significant other, a sibling, a friend, or a parent. Above all, we are individuals. We are enough as it is.