“Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself” – Gary Chapman
Within our relationships, we come to realize that everyone loves- and wants to be loved- differently. Our significant others must express their care for us in a certain way to ensure that we feel cherished to the fullest extent. Love can come in many forms, which Gary Chapman terms the 5 Love Languages, which is the title of his bestselling novel on relationships and happiness. In addition to the book which provides a more in-depth look into the love languages, he provides multiple quizzes and questionnaires on his website which condenses his ideas to determine one’s love language in a matter of minutes. This article summarizes his ideas through identifying how to cater to one’s specific love language as well as actions to avoid in order to ensure the happiness and satisfaction of your partner.
- Words of Affirmation
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This love language prioritizes verbal communication and reinforcement as the main way of feeling cherished. This can be practiced in many ways, including spontaneous compliments, texts, cards, or notes. This love language helps to encourage, affirm, and boost confidence in the individual- both regarding themselves and the relationship. For example, think back to when you were a kid- perhaps your mother put a little note in your lunch to brighten up your day. This is a perfect example of words of affirmation which can also be desired within intimate relationships. A person valuing this love language needs to be assured of your love for them through words. For them, they need to be told your feelings towards them directly instead of indirectly through gifts or actions.
Other Ways of Practicing this Love Language: Put lots of thought and care into birthday and holiday cards as the words written in them carry a lot of meaning. A unique way of using this love language could be to use songs to communicate your feelings or thoughts as lyrics may hold great meaning to your S.O- try sharing a song that reminds you of them so the lyrics can affirm them. Another simple way of using this love language can be to ask them how their day was or ask about other aspects of their lives. Personal nicknames to call them may also be appreciated by them.
What to Avoid Doing: During arguments, do not weaponize words and use them as insults. As words are their primary love language, they can be more sensitive to the things you say and truly perceive them as the truth. Thus, things said in anger can damage their self-confidence, self-perception and even cause confusion due to the sudden development of these negative feelings you seem to have towards them (they may wonder, have they always felt like this? Is that true about me? Are there things wrong with me?). Keep a calm demeanor during arguments and take time to cool down if tempted to lash out verbally.
- Quality Time
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Spending time with your S.O. may seem like a no-brainer and a key aspect of a relationship. However, there is more to this love language than simply being in each other’s presence. It’s important to ensure that you spend one-on-one time with your partner and not primarily spend time with him/her when in a group. This one-on-one time will allow them to feel valued and as though time with them is a priority. Equally as important is ensuring you are focused on them during your time together, which will reflect the ways in which you value their company and time. Especially on special occasions such as anniversaries, they may value spending quality time with you on these dates to feel a sense of importance within your life. This is also true for the love language of receiving gifts. You may be able to identify this language as your S.O.’s priority especially if they are clingier in nature as your presence is especially valued by them.
Other Ways of Practicing this Love Language: Put your phone on silent during your quality time with them. As well, invite them to events in your life to ensure they feel valued and important.Even having a weekly date night may be appreciated, as this reflects that quality time with them is a priority and something you are actively and regularly trying to accomplish.
What to Avoid Doing: Primarily spending time with your S.O. with a large group instead of one-on-one. Don’t allow yourself to become distracted while spending one-on-one time with each other. These distractions may include your phone or taking a call for a long period of time when you are with them. Avoid frequently cancelling plans with them as this may be perceived as a lack of desire to spend time with them or may lead them to believe that they are not valued or appreciated.
- Receiving Gifts
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Through physical offerings, your love for your S.O. is expressed and noticed. This love language focuses on exhibiting thoughtfulness in the form of gifts and gestures. These offerings work to express appreciation, gratitude, love, and even reflect your attentiveness to their interests and desires in terms of what they would like to receive. Gift-giving can reflect your attentiveness by showing that you retained information about them, such as their favourite flower that you gave them.
Another act that would be appreciated is unexpected gifts. Receiving a gift out of the blue — not on a holiday in which it may be seen as ‘mandatory gift-giving’ — adds a greater sense of appreciation towards your S.O. and a greater effort to communicate your love for them. Even a little gift can go a long way on any day!
Other Ways of Practicing this Love Language: Value gift-giving holidays, especially anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas. Building on this last idea, it is important to give gifts that are personal to them or sentimental, such as customized necklaces, promise rings or explosion boxes.
What to Avoid Doing: Forgetting or dismissing special occasions, causing them to feel unvalued or unappreciated. Giving gifts with little to no thought to them will be perceived as a lack of effort or concern for them. - Acts of Service
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The acts of service love language truly emphasize the idea of being his/her partner, as it is all about supporting and helping them in any way possible. Even the offering of assisting them and lightening their workload is valued and appreciated by your S.O. They want to know that they can depend on you and trust you. These voluntary offerings go a long way as they are not mandatory but show your desire to help, even if it may burden you. This can be practiced in an infinite amount of ways, such as making them dinner or helping with chores or duties.
Other Ways of Practicing this Love Language: Ask them questions for them to recognize your desire to help them, such as asking “How can I help?” or “Can I do ____ for you?”. It may also be appreciated to offer them instead of asking them — “I will do ____ for you” — as this may feel like a weight off their shoulders that they may feel guilty about assigning to you themselves.
What to Avoid Doing: Failing to follow through on offerings and tasks. This will cause them to feel a lack of trust in your word and begin to doubt that you can or want to help them. Do not dismiss their feelings of stress or being overwhelmed. This will invalidate their emotions and cause them to feel alone in their problems. - Physical Touch
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This love language emphasizes non-verbal communication through physical intimacy. Physical touch is valued and is a fundamental part of one’s ability to stabilize their self-esteem and satisfaction within the relationship. This can include hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, and various other forms of intimacy. This love language also includes one’s body language in general. Their level of intimacy should be matched to ensure that they feel equally as cherished, valued, and loved.
One common sign of physical touch being your love language is your comfortability with public displays of affection. With this in mind, it is important to be with someone who is also comfortable with these displays. If they are not, their lack of affection towards you in public spaces can result in feelings of rejection and cause low self-esteem.
Other Ways of Practicing this Love Language: Use touch as reassurance and a way of helping them through stress and sadness. Make it a habit to kiss or hug them after seeing them.
What to Avoid Doing: Avoid long distance relationships as their partner may find it difficult to provide them with this intimacy on a regular basis. Do not respond coldly to their intimacy. This can cause them to feel unwanted and insecure in the relationship as they perceive this as a kind of rejection.
Although all five of these love languages are all usually present within a relationship, some are more present than others depending on the relationship itself. Depending on one’s individual wants and needs, one love language in particular is more significant for them. Through identifying which one of these five love languages is most important to your partner, this can help strengthen your relationship with them and ensure their happiness and satisfaction. This article helped outline the main ideas of these love languages. However, it never hurts to ask your S.O. directly: what is the best way to love them?