Whoever said “mo’ money mo’ problems” was speaking strictly about dollar bills–not about sexual partners. Think of all the problems sleeping with one person can produce: intimacy, boredom, expensive date checks, fights, and inevitably heartbreak. My advice to you: sleep with more than one person. At the same time.
I interviewed “experienced” polygamist, anonymous on how exactly to engage in threesomes, foursomes, orgys, etc. She spoke softly like a virgin, but her words quickly contradicted that impression.
Me: “Hi anonymous, your hair looks great.”
Anonymous: “Please, call me anon.” Formalities were cut as we both sunk into the plush, sofa cushions.
Me: “So you’re here because you claim to have had a threesome. What can you tell us about that experience?”
Anonymous: “Threesome?! No, it was a foursome. I don’t deal with odd numbers.”
Me: “That must make math very difficult for you.”
Anonymous: “Yes, I don’t engage in numerical math, only sensory geometry.”
Me: “I don’t know what that means. But anyway, how did your foursome occur?”
Anonymous: “Well my friend and I joked about having a threesome. Slowly the joke turned to an actual possibility, and when we shared this possibility with two other people they seemed interested.”
Me: “Interest is one thing, but execution…?”
Anonymous: “Well, two people get together, and then the other two, and after that it’s difficult and might slowly start to fall apart so you just have to take instinctive actions. It’s funny, it’s new, it’s an experience.”
Me: “What advice would you give your pre-this-experience self?”
Anonymous: “I wouldn’t give myself any advice. New experiences are about following your instinct—and sexual experiments above all. Just like I wouldn’t have given myself advice before having sex, it’s something you learn by having it.”
Anon just gets it, I thought as tears started swelling up in my eyes. I had sat down to help spread information and advice, but anon’s genuity helped me see the truth: we need less advice than we think when it comes to sex. Tension, nerves, innocence, ignorance, is all fine as long as you maintain confidence in your sexuality.
In the split second my vision was obscured by wet, wet tears, anon disappeared into the sunset leaving behind only the scent of fertility and the unshakable feeling that I was wasting my extracurricular time interviewing people as some things can only be learned through experience. Who was this girl anon, I thought. She had come in, rocked my world, and I never even learned her name.