I imagine that most people discover what gets them off from actually trying things with significant others or with one-night stands, but I knew from an early age—I like it rough and I like it kinky.
I read romance novels from the early age of 14—I got them from my mother. I loved to read, and I would go through books so fast, it was hard to get new ones. We weren’t poor, but I didn’t have the money to buy a new book every week. So, I read my mother’s old books she kept down in the basement.
And some were erotic romance novels, so I don’t like acknowledging aloud that my mother also read those books. But those books were where I got my first education about what sex was really like; it was not just the clinical, STI infested, death causing act between a married couple that my catholic education gave me during our 2-hour sex-education class. It was now so much more.
And as I grew older, I read more and more risqué novels. Fifty Shades of Grey was not the first BDSM novel I read, but it is the most well-known. Think of that book but with a healthy relationship instead, and that’s the book I read. While I must admit that I originally was uncomfortable with what I was reading, I was also curious. Cliché, I know.
But I looked into it further. Ever since then, I’ve been trying more and more things to see what I’m interested in—most of my research was in porn.
For instance, I never thought I was going to be someone who got a genital piercing, but then I got one of those because they were exciting! Read that experience here.
I think knowing what I want makes it hard for me sometimes. I will be the first to admit that I am kinky. I’ve talked with my friends about what I’d try, and apparently, I’m the kinkiest of us all. It’s a little intimidating—for me.
When I finally find a guy that I want to have sex with, will I have the confidence to say exactly what I want? Will he be into that?
I am definitely a submissive and as such, will I ever fully trust a guy to have that power over me when I’m in such a vulnerable position?
Or will I just be forced to live my fantasies in my head?