For the past four or so years, I’ve just been existing. I’ve been happy along the way, don’t get me wrong—ecstatic, overjoyed and even fulfilled. But, I don’t have an identity. For all this time I’ve neglected to really figure out who I am, what I’m passionate about, what makes me tick. Until recently, this never bothered me.
My self-exploration began getting pushed to the back burner when I met my first serious boyfriend after sophomore year of high school. I was so happy, caught up in the thrill of meaning so much to another person that also meant so much to me, I failed to figure out how much I meant to myself. At the most pivotal time in my life, I wasn’t pursuing the things I was most passionate for. I wasn’t making decisions based on my interests and needs.
Fast-forward to my first semester of college. I was at a school with the aforementioned boyfriend, studying a subject I thought I was passionate about. I had my first go at finding myself about a month into that semester when my relationship ended. College felt like this huge new world that I couldn’t explore with something (someone) tying me down.
But, I tripped up again. I jumped into another relationship and didn’t even give myself time to get over the first one. In a way, I became what I always snubbed in high school: the girl who can’t live without a boyfriend. Instead of splitting my energy and love between my significant other and myself, I gave it all away. And I suffered for it.
A lot of this boils down me being lazy. I’ve avoided making a true connection with myself because, as I’m quickly finding out, that’s hard. It’s easier to pour love into a relationship because you see immediate results. Self-love doesn’t come with instant gratification but It has a long term payoff that I’ve missed out on for a long time.
Things are looking up though. I’m still with my first semester college boyfriend but I’m realizing what it takes to care for someone else while also caring for myself. I changed my major so I could study art, and through that I’m discovering every day what it means to be passionate about something. I found out that a sense of self and love for oneself takes real work and I can’t just wait for those things to happen; I have to really want them to happen. And I do. I want to feel like a complete person regardless of my relationship status and I’m committed to finding this feeling.
I don’t know what my future holds but I want to feel ready and capable of kicking it’s ass. It won’t be easy, but I can’t keep living without knowing who I really am.
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