Do you remember when you had a huge crush on someone, and they didn’t get out of your head? One person suddenly becomes the most interesting person on the planet. It’s kind of annoying, right? Or kind of fun! Either way, there’s a reason behind all of these things, and I am here to tell you!
Why?
First of all, why do we develop these crushes? They don’t just come from a single trait, our attraction to someone can come from a multitude of things. Physical appearance, personality, similarity, familiarity and proximity. The mere exposure effect explains how we’re often inclined to develop positive feelings towards people we’re repeatedly exposed to. The person you sit next to in class? They may become more appealing because you are now familiar with them. We also tend to draw towards people who share our same interests, values, humor and personalities. Finally, the proximity of the people and how often we interact with them also influences our feelings.
They’re so perfect
Idealization also plays an important role in how we feel about people. When we don’t know someone too well, our brain kind of fills in the gaps. You may know they are funny, attractive and kind, so your brain goes, “they’re perfect for me!” But you have no idea how they handle conflict or stress. A crush is half about the person and half about the person you’ve made up in your head.
Overanalyzing
Now that they’re important to you, you become more focused on them. Your attention is all over anything they do. Little things you may not have cared about before become very important to you. You have selective attention. You start filtering everything, so when something becomes meaningful to you, you are more likely to notice it and relate to it. There’s also something called confirmation bias that can be explored. If you believe your crush likes you, you may interpret certain behaviors as evidence. A look? They must like you. No look? They’re just nervous. You start looking for evidence that supports the conclusion you have already made.
Can’t Stop Thinking About Them
This person is emotionally significant, rewarding, unpredictable and someone you’re curious about. Basically, your attention is only on them. Rumination is the psychological process of continuously replaying or obsessing over the same thing. You keep asking yourself the same questions, reopening the same thing because there isn’t a clear answer.
Uncertainty Makes It Stronger
Uncertainty equals anticipation. Think of two people. One texts you constantly and is very open about their feelings. The other person sometimes texts you, sometimes doesn’t, seems interested, seems uninterested and you have no idea how they feel. Which one do you think occupies more of your mind? It’s going to be the second one. This certainly does not mean playing hard to get is the best way to get someone; I’m just explaining why inconsistent attention can be very mentally consuming.
Acting Different
Why do you act differently around them? It’s because you are very aware that you are around someone whose opinion matters to you. Of course that can make you self-conscious. You probably care more about how you look or rehearse the things you want to say. Self-presentation is the way people consciously or unconsciously try to influence how others see them. You want this person to see the version of yourself that they will find attractive.
Rejection Hurts
We crave connection; we are social beings. Belonging and groups have historically been very important to us. Sometimes instead of thinking of a more logical explanation like you and this person may not be compatible, you tend to think that something is wrong with you. If someone doesn’t return your feelings, that does not mean you’re unattractive or boring. It just means that this specific connection was not mutual.
After Rejection, We Want Them More
Sometimes someone rejects you, but that makes you want them more. Unavailable may mean more desirable. Maybe you don’t just want the person; you want to be wanted by the person. If they suddenly wanted you back, would you actually want a relationship with them? Sometimes you need to ask yourself that.
Crushes Fade
Finally, why do crushes fade? As you get to know someone, the mystery and intrigue kind of fade. You start to see the person for who they are, rather than this version you made up in your head. You may actually like them or realize you don’t. It’s not necessarily fake because you idealized them; it’s just simply an early version of attraction that you don’t have a full picture of yet.
Now to recap, having a crush isn’t as ridiculous as it may seem at the time. Your brain combines all the things like attraction, similarity, reward and idealization. This is why a specific person becomes the main character in your head. Honestly, I think that’s why it makes it so fun.