Why do we always repeat patterns of getting with the wrong person or getting back together with someone everyone hates? Maybe you start to get excited about a relationship, and then it never works out. Why do we always fall for the wrong people? Honestly, I never got it. I’ve had enough letdowns over the years that I’ve started to just accept that maybe I just don’t know how to pick a good guy. But there’s something deeper behind why we do this to ourselves. Let’s talk about it.Â
Attachment StylesÂ
There are four main attachment styles that psychologists have identified, those are: secure attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment and disorganized attachment. The way we attach to a significant other often comes from the relationship we had with our caregivers. The attachment style you have can have an impact on your partner if you don’t have the same attachment style. Maybe you need reassurance, but your partner can’t give that to you because they don’t understand why you need reassurance. That can cause anxiety and make it more difficult for you, but when you get reassurance, it makes you want to stay. It’s a difficult cycle.Â
Unpredictability is ExcitingÂ
When someone is inconsistent, maybe giving you affection sometimes and other times extremely distant, that can make our brains more attached. Our brains like rewards; it’s like gambling in a way. Sometimes you lose, but you still crave the rush of winning. Intermittent reinforcement is when rewards are given only occasionally rather than every time. The inconsistency makes you put in continued effort in hopes of a reward.Â
Intensity Does Not Equal CompatibilityÂ
Intense emotions, especially at the beginning of a relationship, don’t always mean you are compatible. Highs and lows in a relationship can be toxic and sometimes get confused with passion.Â
FamiliarityÂ
You may feel drawn to people who feel familiar, even if it comes from an unhealthy place. Chaos or emotional distance may feel normal to some. Our brain likes things that are familiar and may feel drawn to unhealthy patterns that we may have experienced before in past relationships or childhood because we know and understand what it’s like.Â
“Fix” someoneÂ
“But I can fix him.” In reality, you can’t. Being drawn to someone you can “fix” may come from a place of wanting to feel needed, believing your love can transform someone or that your self-worth is connected to helping people. You’re drawn to the potential of what it could be. Building a relationship by trying to change someone will never work, and it can be exhausting.Â
The answer to a lot of things is psychology! There are a lot of reasons why we are attracted to the wrong people, and I hope you liked the few that I gave you. Be careful with who you fall fo,r and no, you can’t fix him – please stop telling me you can.