The four weeks of April recognize sexual assault awareness month, and make an active effort to working towards removing the stigma surrounding victimization. That work looks like increasing education on what assault looks like, and how different recovery can be for every person. This article is a short testimony of how recovery can appear for someone.
This is NOT a representation of how every assault survivor feels.
Dealing with sexual assault, of course, is a rough experience, but what one may not realize if they’ve never been unfortunate enough to experience it, is that the worst part of it is the realization. Having to come to terms with the fact that someone had taken it upon themselves to taint a part of you without your permission is one of the most humiliating things that I could have ever experienced. It feeling like someone has taken a piece of you away is one of the most violating, and violent emotions.Â
After the realization settles, the guilt takes its place. Victim-blaming doesn’t only come from a societal aspect, it also comes in the form of replaying every moment, running through every possible situation to attempt to find something you could have changed. Reliving every second to try to find a space where you could have escaped, thinking about how you should have fought harder, whether that would have been physical or verbal. While any physical symptoms of assault may fade, the longest part of recovery has always been feeling like I should have done more to protect myself.Â
The emotional whiplash was, and continues to be an absurd experience. The ability for the traumatized part of the brain to switch from angry, to hurt, to disbelieving laughter at the possibility of the situation actually happening. Acceptance of the incident is not something that often sticks around for long, normally replaced by another emotion just as quickly as it stopped by.
Support from friends and family has been the backbone of recovery. A big part of my recovery has been talking my way through the problem, and my loved ones have been there every time it was necessary to run through all of it again. Now, months post-incident, I’ve recovered to a point where the guilt has begun to fade, acceptance has settled in, and the effort to progress forward through life is making a strong step forwards. Putting it in the past is not something that will ever be possible with an experience such as assault, and it has shaped the person I’ve grown up to be, but it will not take over any aspect of my life, and it will not define who I continue to become.
Beyond this April, consider expanding your knowledge and education around assault and its effects. For anyone who has experienced such a thing, know it was never your fault, and you will recover, regardless of what that looks like for you.