Ah, college. Where one of our top 10 struggles is finding a water bottle in our dorm that isn’t vodka. Or where “browning out” is all to familiar a term. These four years are going to fly, collegiettes, so party and educate yourself! You don’t always have to drink to have fun but those that do understand the saying: “1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, more, 4 tequila, 5 tequila, 6 tequila, floor”
Whether you’re going to tap the bag all night or chase, a girl always knows where the hidden stash of jungle juice is. But what better way to describe our drinking escapades than through our favorite Disney movies? The frat house is our Cinderella’s castle; here are the 8 phases of drunk, described by some of our favorite friends.
Here we are, phase one. Now this phase is extremely apparent when the age of 21 comes around; freedom is a dangerous thing, my friends. There’s no focusing here, too many bottles, too many people, IT’S ALL SO EXCITING. You swear tonight you will finish the $2.00 beer pitcher by yourself and try every flavor of shooters on the happy hour list, or maybe stick it safe with vodka and redbull. No, let’s try it all.
DRINK COUNT: 1-2 (light pregame)
All right, so we’re back. You came out early to get in on the specials but now it’s late night happy hour. $1 beers and $3 shots… hold on tight. At this point we either have some guy yelling “WHO WANTS SHOTS? YOU GUYS WANT A ROUND OF SHOTS?” or your girlfriends and you squeezing your way up to the bar front. Communication in a noisy bar has been mastered by the college female. Lean over the side so you become a road block for bartenders. Three fingers up for number of shots and just mouthing the words is a enough. We’re still basically sober here; in between waiting for drinks and possible bar food, we’re good. We don’t hit heavy stuff unless the ratio of who wants in is overwhelming because who wants to take a shot alone? Bottoms up, tequila is on the way.
DRINK COUNT: 4-5 (buzzing like a bee)
Here’s a turning point in your quest to turning up. It’s the cozy drunk; you all know what I’m talking about. The early drunk feeling, like you’re floating on feathers where you’re 80% still functional. This can be either a good time in the night or a bad time. For some this is a point where they vent about what they hate in life (like Mondays, because we all hate those). We’re more than coherent enough to explain why we hate (insert hated thing here) so this stage is also great for breaking the ice. You’ve got just enough courage to go up to a bar hottie and walk in a straight line.
DRINK COUNT: 5 1/2-6
Now this is just part one of dancing. We always know bathroom intermissions and refill breaks are taken. If we could describe this stage in a small blub we’d cue Beyonce’s “I’m Feeling Myself”. This is when the slightly sensual dancing takes place. You’re a couple shots in, you’ve had some light fruity drinks, and now you just want to get on the dance floor with your girls and feel the music, and yourself of course. The hip sway side-to-side with hands embracing your head is the CLASSIC move. As soon as this happens we can put a bona fide stamp on it that you’re drunk.
DRINK COUNT: (How many times have I broken the seal?)
When your eyes start to go, “you slippin,” and never let anyone catch you like that. Unless it’s your BFF’s; that’s totally cool. You may start to have some “ragrats” but you’re still feeling the good vibes from the dancing and drinks. At this point we’d recommend a nice water break; for all you know it hasn’t actually hit you all yet. This is just the calm before the storm.
DRINK COUNT: (I forgot his name, again.)
Did you really think we we’re going to leave out part two of our dance escapade? Never. Our home girl Snow White is channeling her inner Yung Joc here, as well as Queen Bey. Water break ended about 20 minutes ago, and you took a swig of your BFF’s drink for good luck. It has most definitely hit you, hard. But the great thing about being drunk is at some point the strength and energy of Zeus brings you back to life from your previous “slippage”. It’ll only last for a little bit, so enjoy it while you can. Your dance just went from 0-100. Cut the slow stuff and pump it up. DJ is putting on jams, and you’re going to dance your arse off.
DRINK COUNT: (MAYBE I SHOULD CALL MY EX-BOYFRIEND LATER!)
While you are energized for the time being, there’s also the possibility of getting angry. Could be the lack of flowing alcohol in your direction, could be the choice of song… who knows? The night is beginning to wind down, but you’re not. Happy hour ended a while ago, and you still try to haggle for those prices. Alcohol should stop being consumed. It probably should’ve stopped a while ago, but you wanted to test your limits.
DRINK COUNT: (WHERE DID ALL MY FRIENDS GO, OH GOD NO…oh you’re right next to me.”
Nice pat on the back and a little hoorah for getting back home in one piece, hopefully with all your personal items. Now there are two ways the night could end. You and your friends could stay up and talk about tonight’s escapades, which no one will probably understand due to alcohol levels, or you could pretend like you’re listening to them and swiftly KO with hair and makeup still all done. No matter how hard you try to keep your eyes open, it’s a no-go. At least you’ll wake up looking like a beauty queen… well, hopefully. And don’t forget to rip, like, seven bottles of water before you sleep!
DRINK COUNT: (zzzZZzz)