I had always pictured my life as plain, simple, average. I knew I wanted three cats named George, Paul, and John (in that order of adoption, no matter what gender—note there is no Ringo because no one likes Ringo). I had envisioned myself at 30 sitting on the couch during that “time of the month” (note: this “time of the month” would always come because there is no time for children when you must watch every Netflix show with a two star or above rating) indulging in a Klondike bar, or ten, all alone. There would be no time for funny business and settling down when I had a career to attend to. Granted, I do not have my dream job yet. I am currently working in the marketing department of the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company, but not for much longer. I will soon be the CEO of my own shirt company, featuring my very own line of Vegetarian tee shirt’s; including phrases such as “Broccoli is the new black” and “I don’t carrot all”. When my dream is complete, and when I’m rolling in the dough, I shall take my cats on a European countryside vacation. This is all a very specific plan for my future. There was never a man in the equation of life, until…
I was at Applebee’s with my two best friends Katie and Skanky (Katie is short for Katherine, and Skanky’s nickname should explain itself). We were in a deep conversation about the quagmire of financial indebtedness from starting up my own company. I was in the middle of explaining that every flourishing business first starts with pawning your bed frame for the cash, when he caught my eye.
I looked over to the next table and there he was. I’m not the type of woman to succumb to the sheer beauty of a stranger, but I couldn’t help myself. He was everything I all of a sudden knew I needed. Different than I am used to, dark, and handsome. I couldn’t stop rubber-necking, so I got up the courage to go to the table next to me. I asked the man with him if I could sit down.
I told him “ I think you’re what I’ve been missing my whole life.” There was no response, just a stare. A stare that penetrated my soul and filled every inch of my body with a warm feeling.
I reached across the table and grabbed him with my hand. He was still staring. All of a sudden, an urge came over me and I leaned in. My lips met him. I took a breath and let his aroma sink in, I’ve never done this before. I opened my mouth and took a huge bite of his greasy flesh, buns and all. My eyes were shut and a tear rolled down my face. How have I been missing this my whole life? How did it take me this long to find the love I haven’t really been longing for?
Call me crazy, but falling in love with a hamburger was the most intriguing and erotic experience of my life. I found the one, and lost him all in twelve succulent bites. I will never be the same. He altered my plans, changed my dreams, and made me a better woman*. Who would’ve thought? Love changed me, and I believe it was for the better. Gosh now I’m blushing. He will be missed dearly, but I will always cherish the memory of his sweet taste*.
*I gave up on my dream of a booming vegetarian tee shirt line, it just feels dirty now.
*RIP- My one true love, Bacon Double Cheese-Burger, may he Rest in Grease.