February is Eating Disorder Awareness month and next week is Eating Disorder Awareness week. Every month, Kalamazoo has an art hop on the first Friday. Last February, I was fortunate enough to have a piece of my poetry displayed representing my struggle with an eating disorder, Bulimia Nervosa.
In October, I wrote a blog asking women to take a stand and unite over the beauty of their bodies and the individual beauty we all have. This time around, I’m writing to display the struggles of my own that I’ve had in the past year since I first sought recovery. Lately I’ve been afraid I’ll be fighting this battle my whole life. Some days are better than others, which makes me realize I can’t be so naïve to think that this is going to be easy.
It’s been a whole year, to the month, that I’ve decided to recover on my own (meaning without therapy, physicians, and a nutritionist). And since then I’ve rid nearly all the toxins in my life. The most toxic was my relationship of three years that was just a cycle of fighting, breaking up, and getting back together. It was draining and damaging. I really didn’t know who I was without that relationship, but now I can strongly say that I do. I feel great about who I am and where I’m going in life.
To briefly describe my unfortunate journey, it started with compulsive exercising which changed to binging and purging then morphed into restriction, altered to binging and restriction for three years; then, in the last two years back to binging, purging and restriction. By restriction I mean cutting my daily calories to a low amount. I averaged 800 calories, which sometimes felt like too many. Looking back it’s obvious I had a problem, but in the moment nothing about this felt abnormal.
However, old habits die hard. When I was 15, I tore my ACL and couldn’t compete in gymnastics, which had been my life since age three. I didn’t know what to do after school, so I ate out of boredom. The past two winter breaks have been the lowest times in my life. I ate out of boredom only to relapse to my old habits. Especially this winter break, I felt guilty. It was like I was hiding something from my best friend. I had to tell her what I was doing and she admitted to listening to me when I went to the bathroom. It was actually nice to hear that she’s looking out for me.
I’m admitting that I relapsed.
I can proudly say that I haven’t in a couple months, but I still get down on myself. I need to remember I’m stronger than I think. I guess what I’m asking of you is to look out for those in your life no matter their struggles. Mine just happens to be an eating disorder. Maybe your friend’s struggle is alcohol, hard drugs or a break up. I don’t know, but either way let your friends know you’re there. Let them in when you need help. They’ll probably be happy you decided to open up to them. If not, then let them go; you don’t need them.
At any rate, remind yourself daily how beautiful you are. It helps to hear from other people too; so let your friends know that you think they’re amazing the way they are! I’m lucky enough to hear this from a newer addition in my life, with which I couldn’t be happier. It helps me to rethink how I feel about myself, like, “Oh, they think I’m beautiful. Maybe I am.”
I understand we’re going to have our days where nothing fits and no matter what we put on it doesn’t look good. However, at the end of the day, if you’re taking proper care of yourself, you should be happy! Indulge in your sweet tooth or chocolate craving, that’s okay. Typically, we’re the biggest critics of our bodies and ourselves. So turn it around and be your biggest fan!
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at WMU chapter.