*Disclaimer: This article is a satire piece and does not represent the views of Her Campus William and Mary*
An Honest Dating Profile Cover Letter
Hello,
I’m glad your Tinder swipes brought you here.
There are so many fish in the sea, so many p****** just begging to be grabbed. Still, I like to think of myself as the finest catfish in this virtual cesspool dating pool. With time, I think you’ll agree.
Let’s talk interests. I am a lover of song and enjoy serenading dates with such timeless hits as “My Heart Will Go On” and “Gangnam Style.” Alternatively, if our love grows cold, please look forward to hearing several bars of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” on your voicemail every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (Friday is more a state of mind than a particular day on the calendar, ya feel?). In terms of exercise, I’d rather not. Still, I have been known to do some light finger exercises (think: shadow puppet Pilates) in order to someday support a big ol’ diamond on that special finger.
Politically, I like all parties. For me, it’s a matter of principle. Republican or Democrat, Bachelorette or Tupperware, I will support any and all parties—though I must admit, I reserve the most fervent support for those parties serving up shots of bourbon rather than those firing shots at political opponents. Due to this, if politics come up at the Thanksgiving table, you can rest assured I will not add to any political tension. On the other hand, once the vino comes out at the dining room table, hold on to your hat mother******, because s*** is about to get wild.
This brings me to my next point: in terms of temperament, I’m not so much insane as inebriated. I like to think of myself as a bit of a sommelier, and thanks to this certificate I printed off online, now you can, too. While you don’t need to drink, I do have a thing for mixologists. To paraphrase J.K. Rowling, you better make like Snape and become the potions master if you wanna spend time in my dungeon. Also, no kissing like dementors. Don’t make this weird, nerd.
Don’t think this means I’m not classy, though. I am the classiest of ladies. People on the street know me as Bougie because I just ooze class. I only drink sparkling water, because I want my beverages to glisten like diamonds. When I curse, I utter the spells of witches, not the insults of construction workers. Even though I’ll admit there may be some room for growth, it’s nothing a few elocution lessons and a bath couldn’t cure. My Fair Lady Me-me up, boy. Give me a set of pearls and watch me shine.
What are my dating objectives? Honestly, if you can handle hanging with me a couple nights a week for some good ol’ dranks and a ride on your one-eyed hobbyhorse, this could be a match made in heaven. I’m a simple girl with reasonable needs.
However: if you’re a rich dude looking to pass the time before you pass over, I am also fine with that. Hobbyhorse rides optional. Drinks are basically a necessity in this scenario, though.
I thank you for your consideration. I’m sure if you use your head (either of them, really) you’ll find that I’m quite a catch, or at least, passable.
Regards,
A normal, adult woman