In an ideal world, coming home for Thanksgiving is free of any worry. While sitting in lecture, students dreamily imagine spending the holiday in relaxation and self-indulgence. Unfortunately, while Thanksgiving is indeed enjoyable, rarely is it as stress-free as they hope it to be. Suddenly, spending time amongst family after being independent for so long comes with some…adjustments. Once a student transitions to college, certain expectations abruptly fall on his or her shoulders. Adults in the family, whether out of love or concern or simply to be annoying, tend to inspect every aspect of the student’s life to assess if they’re meeting these necessary “goals.”
It is not difficult for most students to call such instances to mind: the continuous barrage of questions, the snide comments on one’s personal decisions, the unwanted string of advice. “What is your major?” they may ask. Give the wrong answer and all you’ll hear for the rest of the weekend is how you’ll never make money. “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?” is another popular one, especially for young women. Answer no and you’ll receive words of sympathy or pity, as if you’ve somehow failed. Answer yes and they’ll want to know every small detail about the partner to judge the person before they’ve even met. Naturally there are countless questions about personal life, classes, and careers that dot the minefield that is conversation around the dinner table.
Obviously, it is a positive thing if adults in your life want to know what you’ve been up to lately. However, sometimes that curiosity crosses over into the unbearable. It can be unhelpful, intrusive, and demoralizing to constantly have your decisions called into question and openly derided. Unfortunately, it isn’t always an option to just escape the family drama. In this case, here are a few tips to handle the unwanted scrutiny. Follow them and you might just escape Thanksgiving with an intact ego.
If the conversation is moving towards you, personally, as a topic, and you’re not comfortable with where it’s headed, try to shift away the discussion to somewhere else.
Bring up something to discuss that everyone will eagerly grab onto, such as current events (but for the love of God, not politics). Another surefire way is to ask certain questions to a person in the group. People will eagerly answer personal questions if you ask about something they’re particularly proud of. Ask your aunt about her children and she’ll probably spend an hour extolling their many virtues. Or ask your cousin about his new car and you’ll end up knowing more about it than you’d thought possible.
Inevitably, though, you will end up caught in that dreaded conversation, the one where people ask about your major, your love life, your career…
While those topics are fine and important to discuss, there will be some family members that take it just a step too far and start to pepper you with very targeted questions. If that is the case, wrest control of the conversation back towards you. When the family member asks yet another intrusive question, give very basic, uninteresting responses. Not only does this deter further queries by boring your audience, but your curt answers give the message that you’re uncomfortable with the conversation. If the person still doesn’t pick up the cue, you may have to firmly but gently state that you don’t feel comfortable discussing your love life, financial problems, etc. At that point most family members will take the hint and move on.
While discussing your life, be mindful of your audience.
Different family members will merit different response, depending on who they are, their relationship with you, and their motivations for knowing about your life. If it is someone that you trust, a person that truly is asking out of genuine interest and personal investment in your life, say a parent or other close family member, then try to be as open and honest as possible. Yes, it is frightening to share your life plans and decisions with another person, but these are the people whose input truly matter. Sometimes, although it’s uncomfortable, you need another person with whom to discuss your decisions and from whom to receive advice based on personal experience. After all, many adults in your life have probably been through many similar situations themselves. Their unique point of view is an invaluable resource that certainly merits the vulnerability required to discuss personal matters in depth.
Some family members won’t merit this deep personal discussion, though.
They may be prone to giving unhelpful, judgemental advice, or for obsessing over small details about others. Or, unfortunately, some may be asking personal questions not out of concern or interest, but as weapons to use in judging you or deriding you to making them feel better about themselves. There’s always that one uncle that after a few beers will not shut up about how dismal your future is becuase you’re studying something useless and stupid. These people merit caution when giving responses.
Decide what is wise to share with them and what might leave you open to incessant badgering.
In addition, when discussing your life, try to portray confidence and satisfaction in your decisions, and proudly share your accomplishments. Such an attitude not only makes Thanksgiving more enjoyable, by impressing your family with your maturity and maintaining your positive internal view of yourself, but also helps project an image of self-assuredness that may deter others from questioning you as a person and seeking weaknesses. Note that doing this may in fact spur some to further badger you. In this case, try to avoid those people. Some family members are too toxic, judgemental and insecure to be worth the time wasted and the blows to your ego.
While all these little tricks will help you navigate a potentially stressful situation, the best way to prepare for the weight of expectations from your family is to maintain a healthy dose of self-respect. Remind yourself of all you’ve accomplished if you begin to doubt yourself, and also forgive your mistakes and missed opportunities. Nobody’s perfect. Stay confident in your decisions and path of study. If it’s what you care about and think it’s in your best interest, then who cares what other people say? Don’t let others make you feel out of control or under some obligation to please them. Ultimately, this is your life and only you are the one capable of knowing on what you want, what you define success as, and how you want to lead your life to achieve such goals. If you keep all these thoughts in mind, if you stay calm, confident, and mature throughout the inevitable annoying conversations, then both you and your ego will escape Thanksgiving mostly unscathed. You might even be stronger for it.